Give that Belle a library. Belle's love libraries.

I love libraries. I always have. I was brought up to regard books with the highest respect and to think that there was a place that would trust me enough to borrow their books... well, it's almost too good to be true. I will almost always lend my books to another person. Almost. I never lend out my Harry Potter books. Never. Ever. So don't ask. When I divorced from my first husband, he took the cat and I kept the Harry Potter books. Any other book in my collection is fair game and you are welcome to them. Just make sure you give them back... I don't want to have to hunt you down like a dog to get them back. Because I will.

When I was a child, some of my earliest memories are of crawling up in my mom's bed and letting her read me a little bit out of our book of the moment. We read Black Beauty and The Little Princess. By the time I entered kindergarten, I already knew how to read and in first grade I set the bar so high in reading that we no longer could play Around The World, as I would always win the reading. My appetite for books became insatiable as I've gown up and I always have at least two to three books which I am reading at any given time (right now I am in the middle of clash of kings from game of thrones and Mists of Avalon -- which I read about once a year)

Today's visit to the library yielded five knitting books (honestly, one can never have too many) and three graphic novels based on the sci-fy cult hit, Firefly. My local library is nice. Small but nice. They even have an app for my iPad that allows me to download audiobooks and PDF files of books which I want/need to read. The grandest library I have been to, outside of Europe, was in Sarasota, FL. It was two stories tall with a HUGE aquarium archway the lead into the children's section. I would sit and watch the fish for hours.

But regardless of the size of the library, I always get a sense of anticipation when I walk through the doors. What treasures will I discover with this visit? The smell of old books rolls over me and I feel like the books are welcoming me back. "You've been gone for far too long", they seem to whisper to me in a riffle of pages. "What adventures shall we have today?" In one of my favorite books, Inkheart, one of the characters explains why books are so thick. She says that each time you open a book, you are transported to the time and place where you first read the book. The covers not only hold words and pages, but they hold memories too. And it's true. I can tell you my personal history via a tour of my library. And I openly admit that I celebrate my favorite character's victories and mourn their deaths (JK Rowling, I'm looking at you). And when I finish a novel, I am left bereft, as if I have newly returned from a long voyage and can't quite find my sense of direction again.

But I guess that is what books do. I can be the hero or the damsel or sometime's both at the same time. I can travel to far off lands and to worlds yet undiscovered. I can fight the dragon or BE the dragon. Everything and anything is possible. All I have to do is open up a book and breathe in the words and let them whisk me away.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is valentine's and I gotta say... I LOVE valentines day. I always have. I don't know quite why but I love the idea of a whole day set aside for the celebration of l'amore. Believe you me, I have had more than my share of shitty shitty valentines day. There was one year when my ex husband bought me a bottle of whiskey, which he promptly drank. All by himself. AssJack. One year, the boy I was head over heels for, asked me to give his valentine to another girl. She was a piece of work, let me tell you (and if the gossip is true, apparently nothing's changed. Ha!). I have watched my friends, both girls and guys, have their heats torn asunder on account of this holiday. Not to mention that I have worked for both a jeweler and a florist and I have seen the underbelly of this holiday. I had a guy call up to the florist and asked for a $75 dozen long stem Colombian red roses to be sent to Sapphire, a stripper at the local strip club. Did he know her real name? Nope. But he was in love. There was another guy who ordered two of the exact same rose bouquets... One for his wife and one for his girlfriend.

But here's the deal... despite the horrible examples I've seen and experienced, I still love this day. The way I see it is that holidays are a time to stop and reflect on becoming the people we've always striven to be. Christmas is called the season of giving and everyone says that you should keep the spirit of Christmas in your heart all year long. Do you realize how exhausting that would be? Besides I don't know about you, but Christmas tends to bring out the worst in people. We've all seen it. That is why it is only once a year. Once a year, we remember to put our best foot forward, to treat others the way we wish to be treated. That's how I feel about valentines.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be showered with jewels and candy and roses, like any red blooded American woman, but I don't need all that mess. I think that valentines is less about the act of showing off your love and more about showing those whom you love how much they genuinely mean to you. Sure, you may say "I love you" to your spouse each day but on valentines you have a chance to take a second and think about why you love them. What of the little everyday niceties does your other half do that makes your life more joyful? What are the things you do for them that you would never do on your own, but gladly take the time to do... just so that you can see the smile in their eyes. Valentines is a that one time of year when you can openly dream of the romantic love which has no reality in life, only in musical theatre. You can embrace the matters of the heart and, with every ounce of your soul, believe that the Hollywood glamour of love can one day belong to you.

That is why I love valentines day. So don't give me that crap about how it is a made up holiday, only meant to sell candy and cards. Every holiday is made up. But thank god that they were. Because without these soul vacations, the trudgery of life will bind us down and break us. So love on. Tell all those who have touched your life, that they are meaningful and worthy. Express love. Give love. Spread love. Measure your life in love.

May the yarn be with you

I just got home from work and slipped into my jammies and put on one of my many go to films to help me unwind. Star Wars. Whenever I plan on a night of marathon knitting, I usually choose the old standbys... Star Wars, Back To the Future, Lord of the Rings... I could go on. But I am struck as to the amount of people who have a deep passionate love affaire with sci-fy/fantasy. And many of those actively choose to express their fanaticism in crafts. Just look on Etsy or Pinterest to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes (plan on spending several hours because, seriously, if you can dream it up, someone has probably already made it and is trying to sell it to other nerdlings).

I, myself, have grand aspirations of knitting a 3' taun taun, which will have a stomach pocket that will pooch out and look like guts. Aside from the taun taun, I have already made several fan crafts based on True Blood, and Himself has asked (begged) me to make him a Jayne hat from Firefly. Currently, I'm working on a sweater that is based on Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold from Once Upon A Time. And don't get me started on Dr Who. I'm going to confide in you... 93% of my knowledge of Dr Who comes from listening to my whovian friends and reading memes online. I have only seen three episodes and I am completely hooked but seeing as my local library only carries the specials and I just can't bring myself to watch The End Of Time 1&2... David Tennant will live on as my first and only Doctor. For those of you who have no idea what I have just said, I beg your indulgence. But those whovians are a damned creative bunch.

I wonder if any of the stars who work on these various films take part in any of the crafts. I mean, isn't it nice to think that Emma Watson decided to follow in Hermione's footsteps and knitted hats for her Harry Potter cast members. Or that Granny on Once Upon A Time really can knit and made Ruby's red beret or that Robert Carlyle can really spin (he can't. I sure as hell love to teach him... Course I can't spin worth a damn so... there's that). I wonder if they are flattered or just creeped out when fans approach them at Comic Con wearing and/or presenting them with handmade homages to their characters. I would love to go to Comic Con as Molly Weasley wearing my handcrafted costume and then go the next day as Dolores Umbridge in her pink houndstooth poncho, knitted by yours truly!

I don't know if this upswing in openly geeky people is because The Big Bang Theory made it cool to be a nerd or if, with the cyber age, everyone realized that we are all just big ol' nerds, regardless if we admit it or not. I'm glad for it though. It's nice to be able to let my geek flag fly and not worry about freaking out the normals too much... Not that I ever let it stop me before.

jeeze, can't you take a joke

every time i go to wal-mart, there is an opportunity for me to photograph the oddballs that frequent said store and exploit them via the interweb. on a side note... jess and i had thought up the idea of "people of wal-mart" long before that website swept the web but we just didn't do anything about it. if you haven't been to peopleofwalmart.com, go there now. i can wait. back so soon? see? isn't it the funniest site? brilliant!

tonight was no different as far as possible specimens to photograph and mock. including but not limited to a young man working one of the registers wearing skinny jeans, with pale ass skin, jet black hair and other trappings worthy of pete wentz. oddly enough, he was wearing a name tag that read "ashlee". sorry but that shit was funny.

i asked my cashier if his name really was ashlee. i mean, it is possible that ashlee was his given name. look at gone with the wind. scarlett spends most of the book (and film) mooning over ashley wilkes. granted... it's not really considered a boy name anymore but it certainly could be. my cashier (an older woman) said that she thought that his legal given name was earnest. even better. i proceeded to make a sociological joke about how teens think that now one ever has or will understand them. and that by showing their individuality, they all end up looking the same as every other teen. (a point, i believe, i have made in past posts) well... old lady cashier interrupts saying, "well, in the bible, it says that we should love, first and foremost. jesus tells us that we should love one another and not judge." i looked at her and said, "i'm covered in tattoos. who am i to cast the first stone?" i'll take your jesus quote and raise you one, bitch.

1. why can't any of these frickin bible thumpers listen to what is being said instead of jumping to their own conclusions. and therefore judging the speaker, which old lady cashier said jesus said not to do? bitch, you don't know me. i bet i can out quote you in bible. i took two semesters of it in college, was a summer missionary for 6 years, went to a baptist university and was the vice president for the fellowship of christian students. i know my damn bible. i know what jesus said and i don't need you to tell me. you throwing jesus and/or the bible in my face to make your point just makes me tune you out. you become demoted to the level of religious zealot. and that just makes people uncomfortable like one of those crazy people who wear a sandwich board that says that the end is near.

2. why can't these same thumpers take a damn joke. i mean, really. i read an extremely funny book called, lamb by christopher moore. basically, it is the (fictional) gospel of biff, jesus' best friend. it is rather irreverent but very hilarious. but i'm pretty sure that old lady cashier would be the first to throw Lamb onto the bonfire. jesus is always portrayed with that droopy sad face but i have a feeling that he could totally hang. he's the son of god and god made giraffes and platypus and lady gaga. i know that god can hang and has one hell of a sense of humor. all i'm saying is... people need to lighten up.

this life is too damn short to take yourself so seriously. now, i will be the first to admit that i wear my heart on my sleeve and as a general rule, my face is an open window to my thoughts and feelings. being so emotive is good in that most everyone can plainly see how you are feeling. but it leaves one exposed. i feel very deeply and transversely i can be hurt, emotionally, very deeply. but i am learning to let it all roll off my back. a hard lesson, to be sure, but this world will add enough stress of it's own without my help. as the song says: Life is just a bowl of cherries. don't take it serious; life's too mysterious. so live and laugh. laugh and love. live, love, laugh at it all.

Back in the saddle again

So. it has been far too long since i have written on this blog. and now, with the recent drive to open and run my own yarn shop, i plan to really utilize this medium and record my thoughts and actions for those who care to read it (which, less face it, is no one because no one reads this blog) however, i hope to drum up interest in both me and my (currently non-existent) yarn shop, Knitterbugs of New Braunfels (it's a working title)

so... to catch you up on the last year...

in April of '09, Himself and i moved from sunny Florida to the greatest state of all, Texas. i worked at a bookstore while Himself searched for work, which turned out to be a bitch of a task as he was too qualified to do most work even within his field. after about a month at the bookstore, i scored a job at a theme park within their entertainment dept. of course it was in the costume dept and i hadn't sat a sewing machine in almost 10 years. but quite honestly, i wasn't half bad. i made several pieces for several shows and even made a few articles of clothing for myself (some without a pattern, which is no easy feat, let me tell you) after about 6 months, i moved to the tech dept (much more up my alley, i must admit) and have been doing tech work ever since.

do i like it?

yes.

am i frustrated as hell?

usually.

gotta lay it on the line for you here, dear readers, theatre and "entertainment" are not the same thing, no matter how one may tart itself up as the other. i have theatrical experience out the effin ass but here it tends to be all for naught. so that is why i want to open my own yarn shop. (which isn't totally true but makes for dramatic effect)

i want it to have all the warm coziness of a nest. a big work table where people can test the yarns, bring their projects to work on and gossip, or just sit and thumb through pattern books. i want to teach others how to create soft fluffy things by wielding sharp pointy sticks and/or a hook. i want to spearhead charities that will utilize my talents and give back to the community. there will be hardwood floors (or at least look like hardwood) and a reading corner. the shelves will be busting with gorgeous yarns of every color and texture. sock yarns, bamboo silks, hand painted yarns, thick chunky wools, delicate cashmere and angora. warm bamboo needles and hooks that feel like an extension of your hand which gives the yarn shape and purpose and allows you to bend the fibers to your will. i want to pass along the passion i have for homemade goods and give my customers a place to sell their own creations on commission. in my mind's eye it is inviting and warm and perfect. i can't wait to see what this venture unfolds.

so why now? why a yarn shop? can't people buy yarn at wal-mart or a another chain craft store?

sure they can... if they want run of the mill yarn. but for hard core, die hard yarn crafters, wal-mart ain't gonna cut it. there is something quite intoxicating about walking into a shop filled with all the lush beauty of premiere yarns. i have a friend at work. he is as passionate about carpentry and building, as i am about yarn and yarn craft. hardware stores are his church and he worships gladly at the alter of craftsmanship. blood, sweat and (sometimes) tears go in to his projects and while our focus is definitely skewed, it is our kindred spirit in our varying crafts that link us as friends (and why we should both be supervised when going into stores catering to our passions i.e. yarn shops and hardware stores.) when a passion ignites the soul, it is hard to extinguish the flame. i want to feed the flame so that consumes others. i want others to taste the empowerment of making something out of nothing. that is why i want to open my own shop.

as for the "why now"... why not? granted, i'm only in my 30's but i'm not getting any younger. and as i always say... a life lived in fear is a life half lived. i understand very well that i may fail at opening my shop. i understand that it may just be a pipe dream that will never come to a reality. but, for those of you who know me, well... you know that i'm not easily dissuaded by a fear. i wanted to work in theatre professionally and i did. i wanted to teach myself to knit and crochet and i did. i wanted to teach myself to bake bread and to cook on a hobby gourmet level and i did. once i have made up my mind to do something, i'm like a bull shark. i won't let go. i won't relent until my goal is reached.

so there it is. to be honest, i may not be able to write everyday. but i will make a great effort to write as much as i can. to keep everyone in the loop, as it were. there are great things on the horizon. i'll be interested to see how it all unfolds from here.

regrets

regret is a funny thing. it sneaks up on you unawares, at times, and makes you remember. remembering isn't so bad as regret; it's the remembering of things best left forgotten that is waring on the soul. as with most people, i have many regrets in my life. i really try not to dwell on these things as i tend to beat myself up about issues, whether i am at fault or not. it's just in my nature; it's who i am. i think that this trait is what gives me the deep seeded desire to please people and make people happy.

the last few weeks have been heavy on my heart and maybe the venting/musing/addressing of these things will help lift this burden. there are so many things that i regret doing and, transversely, not doing. it's the things that are unsaid and the things that should never have been said. i regret marrying my ex-husband. i suppose that i will always have the bruises and scars that he left on me, despite the fact that the physical evidence of abuse have long since healed. i thought that i was supposed to "wait until marriage". that was what the preacher said. "wait until marriage". my ex told me that the only reason he asked me to marry him was so that i would have sex with him. he told me this a year and a half into our marriage. ass. and i was a fool. a young, naive fool who thought that if she tried harder and loved stronger, then her marriage would work out. love has to go both ways, and there came a point where i couldn't give anymore, for i had nothing left to give. i grew to fear him and i hated him and i regret that i didn't get myself out of that situation sooner.

i regret going to college straight out of high school. my senior year of high school was when i looked my best (in my humble opinion). i was a mere size 10 and i was singing and dancing everyday. true, by attending college, i gained valuable stage technique and i learned a great deal about my craft, but i looked hot coming out of high school and looks are what count in this business. no one truly knows how hard i have had to work at loosing the 50 or so pounds which i lost this year. and sometimes i feel that if i had gone straight to NYC, perhaps... well... maybe things would be different for me. maybe not better, but definitely different.

i have some other regrets that are a little too fresh and the wound is still a little too raw to delve into at this time. there was recently a moment that i should have taken action. there were words that should have been said, but the moment has long past and all i am left with are "what if's". i know in my heart of hearts that i missed my opportunity and that knowledge has carved a small hole within. some days, i barely notice that the hole is there. it's as if the what if's and maybe's have been blown away like puffs of smoke. but then i face the days where i am all to aware of my regret and it feels like there is a bruise on my heart. hearts break and mend every day and i know that there will come a day when the memory is no longer tender to the touch. until that day, i will soldier on as best i can. mending and slowly forgetting.

they say that the best thing about regret is that it is never too late. this is true. unfortunately, fear creates a wall that is sometimes to difficult to overcome. fear can be a paralyzing force that will hinder every choice you are faced with. so essentially, regret is fear. at the base of most of my regret is the element of fear. well, except the regret i have about not buy a certain pair of shoes. god, i should have bought those shoes. but most everything else is tinged with fear. i was afraid of failure, so i didn't go to NYC. i was afraid of rejection, so i never told him that i loved him. i was afraid of ridicule, so i went along with the crowd, knowing that they were wrong. you see, crippling fear will best the strongest of us. my only hope is to take what i have learned and stand up and proudly be just me. and if i don't fear the outcome, i shall never again feel the pangs of regret because at least i tried. i loved. i experienced. and i did it all completely and whole heartedly. live. life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death.

the blues

i like the blues. always have. i love to listen to those smokey standards sung in a dimly lit bar by a beautiful woman lounging on a piano in a sparkling gown. i have never been one to write songs. i wrote bad emo poetry back in high school, before there was such a thing as emo, but i never felt like i could write song lyrics. and god help me, every time i tried to write music, it would come out sounding like everything i do, i do it for you. this is my shame. i will sing you every song from every musical i have ever seen but i can't write it myself.

well tonight is the night. i got the inspiration to write these lyrics while at work and wrote it down as soon as i got home. just remember that this is a first draft and i've never written a song before. so, please, be gentle. also picture me singing it in a seedy bar filled with a blue smokey haze in a sparkling gown, lounging across a piano

i am not that girl by tat2kitten

my longing could fill the sea
with just one glance at me
you melt my willing soul

my hope could soar above
if i could feel your love
your heart's an unreachable goal

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and fear
but i am not the girl

my dreams reach out for you
my heart is broken in two
cause i want you in my life

like a moth drawn to the flame
my desire does the same
you burn me with your eyes

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to feel the touch of your skin
why won't you let me in?
cause i am not the girl

confuse me
abuse me
enslave me
only your love can save me

but i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and your fear
but i am not the girl
to feel the touch of your skin
baby, please let me in
oh no
i am not the girl