Give that Belle a library. Belle's love libraries.

I love libraries. I always have. I was brought up to regard books with the highest respect and to think that there was a place that would trust me enough to borrow their books... well, it's almost too good to be true. I will almost always lend my books to another person. Almost. I never lend out my Harry Potter books. Never. Ever. So don't ask. When I divorced from my first husband, he took the cat and I kept the Harry Potter books. Any other book in my collection is fair game and you are welcome to them. Just make sure you give them back... I don't want to have to hunt you down like a dog to get them back. Because I will.

When I was a child, some of my earliest memories are of crawling up in my mom's bed and letting her read me a little bit out of our book of the moment. We read Black Beauty and The Little Princess. By the time I entered kindergarten, I already knew how to read and in first grade I set the bar so high in reading that we no longer could play Around The World, as I would always win the reading. My appetite for books became insatiable as I've gown up and I always have at least two to three books which I am reading at any given time (right now I am in the middle of clash of kings from game of thrones and Mists of Avalon -- which I read about once a year)

Today's visit to the library yielded five knitting books (honestly, one can never have too many) and three graphic novels based on the sci-fy cult hit, Firefly. My local library is nice. Small but nice. They even have an app for my iPad that allows me to download audiobooks and PDF files of books which I want/need to read. The grandest library I have been to, outside of Europe, was in Sarasota, FL. It was two stories tall with a HUGE aquarium archway the lead into the children's section. I would sit and watch the fish for hours.

But regardless of the size of the library, I always get a sense of anticipation when I walk through the doors. What treasures will I discover with this visit? The smell of old books rolls over me and I feel like the books are welcoming me back. "You've been gone for far too long", they seem to whisper to me in a riffle of pages. "What adventures shall we have today?" In one of my favorite books, Inkheart, one of the characters explains why books are so thick. She says that each time you open a book, you are transported to the time and place where you first read the book. The covers not only hold words and pages, but they hold memories too. And it's true. I can tell you my personal history via a tour of my library. And I openly admit that I celebrate my favorite character's victories and mourn their deaths (JK Rowling, I'm looking at you). And when I finish a novel, I am left bereft, as if I have newly returned from a long voyage and can't quite find my sense of direction again.

But I guess that is what books do. I can be the hero or the damsel or sometime's both at the same time. I can travel to far off lands and to worlds yet undiscovered. I can fight the dragon or BE the dragon. Everything and anything is possible. All I have to do is open up a book and breathe in the words and let them whisk me away.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is valentine's and I gotta say... I LOVE valentines day. I always have. I don't know quite why but I love the idea of a whole day set aside for the celebration of l'amore. Believe you me, I have had more than my share of shitty shitty valentines day. There was one year when my ex husband bought me a bottle of whiskey, which he promptly drank. All by himself. AssJack. One year, the boy I was head over heels for, asked me to give his valentine to another girl. She was a piece of work, let me tell you (and if the gossip is true, apparently nothing's changed. Ha!). I have watched my friends, both girls and guys, have their heats torn asunder on account of this holiday. Not to mention that I have worked for both a jeweler and a florist and I have seen the underbelly of this holiday. I had a guy call up to the florist and asked for a $75 dozen long stem Colombian red roses to be sent to Sapphire, a stripper at the local strip club. Did he know her real name? Nope. But he was in love. There was another guy who ordered two of the exact same rose bouquets... One for his wife and one for his girlfriend.

But here's the deal... despite the horrible examples I've seen and experienced, I still love this day. The way I see it is that holidays are a time to stop and reflect on becoming the people we've always striven to be. Christmas is called the season of giving and everyone says that you should keep the spirit of Christmas in your heart all year long. Do you realize how exhausting that would be? Besides I don't know about you, but Christmas tends to bring out the worst in people. We've all seen it. That is why it is only once a year. Once a year, we remember to put our best foot forward, to treat others the way we wish to be treated. That's how I feel about valentines.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be showered with jewels and candy and roses, like any red blooded American woman, but I don't need all that mess. I think that valentines is less about the act of showing off your love and more about showing those whom you love how much they genuinely mean to you. Sure, you may say "I love you" to your spouse each day but on valentines you have a chance to take a second and think about why you love them. What of the little everyday niceties does your other half do that makes your life more joyful? What are the things you do for them that you would never do on your own, but gladly take the time to do... just so that you can see the smile in their eyes. Valentines is a that one time of year when you can openly dream of the romantic love which has no reality in life, only in musical theatre. You can embrace the matters of the heart and, with every ounce of your soul, believe that the Hollywood glamour of love can one day belong to you.

That is why I love valentines day. So don't give me that crap about how it is a made up holiday, only meant to sell candy and cards. Every holiday is made up. But thank god that they were. Because without these soul vacations, the trudgery of life will bind us down and break us. So love on. Tell all those who have touched your life, that they are meaningful and worthy. Express love. Give love. Spread love. Measure your life in love.

May the yarn be with you

I just got home from work and slipped into my jammies and put on one of my many go to films to help me unwind. Star Wars. Whenever I plan on a night of marathon knitting, I usually choose the old standbys... Star Wars, Back To the Future, Lord of the Rings... I could go on. But I am struck as to the amount of people who have a deep passionate love affaire with sci-fy/fantasy. And many of those actively choose to express their fanaticism in crafts. Just look on Etsy or Pinterest to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes (plan on spending several hours because, seriously, if you can dream it up, someone has probably already made it and is trying to sell it to other nerdlings).

I, myself, have grand aspirations of knitting a 3' taun taun, which will have a stomach pocket that will pooch out and look like guts. Aside from the taun taun, I have already made several fan crafts based on True Blood, and Himself has asked (begged) me to make him a Jayne hat from Firefly. Currently, I'm working on a sweater that is based on Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold from Once Upon A Time. And don't get me started on Dr Who. I'm going to confide in you... 93% of my knowledge of Dr Who comes from listening to my whovian friends and reading memes online. I have only seen three episodes and I am completely hooked but seeing as my local library only carries the specials and I just can't bring myself to watch The End Of Time 1&2... David Tennant will live on as my first and only Doctor. For those of you who have no idea what I have just said, I beg your indulgence. But those whovians are a damned creative bunch.

I wonder if any of the stars who work on these various films take part in any of the crafts. I mean, isn't it nice to think that Emma Watson decided to follow in Hermione's footsteps and knitted hats for her Harry Potter cast members. Or that Granny on Once Upon A Time really can knit and made Ruby's red beret or that Robert Carlyle can really spin (he can't. I sure as hell love to teach him... Course I can't spin worth a damn so... there's that). I wonder if they are flattered or just creeped out when fans approach them at Comic Con wearing and/or presenting them with handmade homages to their characters. I would love to go to Comic Con as Molly Weasley wearing my handcrafted costume and then go the next day as Dolores Umbridge in her pink houndstooth poncho, knitted by yours truly!

I don't know if this upswing in openly geeky people is because The Big Bang Theory made it cool to be a nerd or if, with the cyber age, everyone realized that we are all just big ol' nerds, regardless if we admit it or not. I'm glad for it though. It's nice to be able to let my geek flag fly and not worry about freaking out the normals too much... Not that I ever let it stop me before.

jeeze, can't you take a joke

every time i go to wal-mart, there is an opportunity for me to photograph the oddballs that frequent said store and exploit them via the interweb. on a side note... jess and i had thought up the idea of "people of wal-mart" long before that website swept the web but we just didn't do anything about it. if you haven't been to peopleofwalmart.com, go there now. i can wait. back so soon? see? isn't it the funniest site? brilliant!

tonight was no different as far as possible specimens to photograph and mock. including but not limited to a young man working one of the registers wearing skinny jeans, with pale ass skin, jet black hair and other trappings worthy of pete wentz. oddly enough, he was wearing a name tag that read "ashlee". sorry but that shit was funny.

i asked my cashier if his name really was ashlee. i mean, it is possible that ashlee was his given name. look at gone with the wind. scarlett spends most of the book (and film) mooning over ashley wilkes. granted... it's not really considered a boy name anymore but it certainly could be. my cashier (an older woman) said that she thought that his legal given name was earnest. even better. i proceeded to make a sociological joke about how teens think that now one ever has or will understand them. and that by showing their individuality, they all end up looking the same as every other teen. (a point, i believe, i have made in past posts) well... old lady cashier interrupts saying, "well, in the bible, it says that we should love, first and foremost. jesus tells us that we should love one another and not judge." i looked at her and said, "i'm covered in tattoos. who am i to cast the first stone?" i'll take your jesus quote and raise you one, bitch.

1. why can't any of these frickin bible thumpers listen to what is being said instead of jumping to their own conclusions. and therefore judging the speaker, which old lady cashier said jesus said not to do? bitch, you don't know me. i bet i can out quote you in bible. i took two semesters of it in college, was a summer missionary for 6 years, went to a baptist university and was the vice president for the fellowship of christian students. i know my damn bible. i know what jesus said and i don't need you to tell me. you throwing jesus and/or the bible in my face to make your point just makes me tune you out. you become demoted to the level of religious zealot. and that just makes people uncomfortable like one of those crazy people who wear a sandwich board that says that the end is near.

2. why can't these same thumpers take a damn joke. i mean, really. i read an extremely funny book called, lamb by christopher moore. basically, it is the (fictional) gospel of biff, jesus' best friend. it is rather irreverent but very hilarious. but i'm pretty sure that old lady cashier would be the first to throw Lamb onto the bonfire. jesus is always portrayed with that droopy sad face but i have a feeling that he could totally hang. he's the son of god and god made giraffes and platypus and lady gaga. i know that god can hang and has one hell of a sense of humor. all i'm saying is... people need to lighten up.

this life is too damn short to take yourself so seriously. now, i will be the first to admit that i wear my heart on my sleeve and as a general rule, my face is an open window to my thoughts and feelings. being so emotive is good in that most everyone can plainly see how you are feeling. but it leaves one exposed. i feel very deeply and transversely i can be hurt, emotionally, very deeply. but i am learning to let it all roll off my back. a hard lesson, to be sure, but this world will add enough stress of it's own without my help. as the song says: Life is just a bowl of cherries. don't take it serious; life's too mysterious. so live and laugh. laugh and love. live, love, laugh at it all.

Back in the saddle again

So. it has been far too long since i have written on this blog. and now, with the recent drive to open and run my own yarn shop, i plan to really utilize this medium and record my thoughts and actions for those who care to read it (which, less face it, is no one because no one reads this blog) however, i hope to drum up interest in both me and my (currently non-existent) yarn shop, Knitterbugs of New Braunfels (it's a working title)

so... to catch you up on the last year...

in April of '09, Himself and i moved from sunny Florida to the greatest state of all, Texas. i worked at a bookstore while Himself searched for work, which turned out to be a bitch of a task as he was too qualified to do most work even within his field. after about a month at the bookstore, i scored a job at a theme park within their entertainment dept. of course it was in the costume dept and i hadn't sat a sewing machine in almost 10 years. but quite honestly, i wasn't half bad. i made several pieces for several shows and even made a few articles of clothing for myself (some without a pattern, which is no easy feat, let me tell you) after about 6 months, i moved to the tech dept (much more up my alley, i must admit) and have been doing tech work ever since.

do i like it?

yes.

am i frustrated as hell?

usually.

gotta lay it on the line for you here, dear readers, theatre and "entertainment" are not the same thing, no matter how one may tart itself up as the other. i have theatrical experience out the effin ass but here it tends to be all for naught. so that is why i want to open my own yarn shop. (which isn't totally true but makes for dramatic effect)

i want it to have all the warm coziness of a nest. a big work table where people can test the yarns, bring their projects to work on and gossip, or just sit and thumb through pattern books. i want to teach others how to create soft fluffy things by wielding sharp pointy sticks and/or a hook. i want to spearhead charities that will utilize my talents and give back to the community. there will be hardwood floors (or at least look like hardwood) and a reading corner. the shelves will be busting with gorgeous yarns of every color and texture. sock yarns, bamboo silks, hand painted yarns, thick chunky wools, delicate cashmere and angora. warm bamboo needles and hooks that feel like an extension of your hand which gives the yarn shape and purpose and allows you to bend the fibers to your will. i want to pass along the passion i have for homemade goods and give my customers a place to sell their own creations on commission. in my mind's eye it is inviting and warm and perfect. i can't wait to see what this venture unfolds.

so why now? why a yarn shop? can't people buy yarn at wal-mart or a another chain craft store?

sure they can... if they want run of the mill yarn. but for hard core, die hard yarn crafters, wal-mart ain't gonna cut it. there is something quite intoxicating about walking into a shop filled with all the lush beauty of premiere yarns. i have a friend at work. he is as passionate about carpentry and building, as i am about yarn and yarn craft. hardware stores are his church and he worships gladly at the alter of craftsmanship. blood, sweat and (sometimes) tears go in to his projects and while our focus is definitely skewed, it is our kindred spirit in our varying crafts that link us as friends (and why we should both be supervised when going into stores catering to our passions i.e. yarn shops and hardware stores.) when a passion ignites the soul, it is hard to extinguish the flame. i want to feed the flame so that consumes others. i want others to taste the empowerment of making something out of nothing. that is why i want to open my own shop.

as for the "why now"... why not? granted, i'm only in my 30's but i'm not getting any younger. and as i always say... a life lived in fear is a life half lived. i understand very well that i may fail at opening my shop. i understand that it may just be a pipe dream that will never come to a reality. but, for those of you who know me, well... you know that i'm not easily dissuaded by a fear. i wanted to work in theatre professionally and i did. i wanted to teach myself to knit and crochet and i did. i wanted to teach myself to bake bread and to cook on a hobby gourmet level and i did. once i have made up my mind to do something, i'm like a bull shark. i won't let go. i won't relent until my goal is reached.

so there it is. to be honest, i may not be able to write everyday. but i will make a great effort to write as much as i can. to keep everyone in the loop, as it were. there are great things on the horizon. i'll be interested to see how it all unfolds from here.

regrets

regret is a funny thing. it sneaks up on you unawares, at times, and makes you remember. remembering isn't so bad as regret; it's the remembering of things best left forgotten that is waring on the soul. as with most people, i have many regrets in my life. i really try not to dwell on these things as i tend to beat myself up about issues, whether i am at fault or not. it's just in my nature; it's who i am. i think that this trait is what gives me the deep seeded desire to please people and make people happy.

the last few weeks have been heavy on my heart and maybe the venting/musing/addressing of these things will help lift this burden. there are so many things that i regret doing and, transversely, not doing. it's the things that are unsaid and the things that should never have been said. i regret marrying my ex-husband. i suppose that i will always have the bruises and scars that he left on me, despite the fact that the physical evidence of abuse have long since healed. i thought that i was supposed to "wait until marriage". that was what the preacher said. "wait until marriage". my ex told me that the only reason he asked me to marry him was so that i would have sex with him. he told me this a year and a half into our marriage. ass. and i was a fool. a young, naive fool who thought that if she tried harder and loved stronger, then her marriage would work out. love has to go both ways, and there came a point where i couldn't give anymore, for i had nothing left to give. i grew to fear him and i hated him and i regret that i didn't get myself out of that situation sooner.

i regret going to college straight out of high school. my senior year of high school was when i looked my best (in my humble opinion). i was a mere size 10 and i was singing and dancing everyday. true, by attending college, i gained valuable stage technique and i learned a great deal about my craft, but i looked hot coming out of high school and looks are what count in this business. no one truly knows how hard i have had to work at loosing the 50 or so pounds which i lost this year. and sometimes i feel that if i had gone straight to NYC, perhaps... well... maybe things would be different for me. maybe not better, but definitely different.

i have some other regrets that are a little too fresh and the wound is still a little too raw to delve into at this time. there was recently a moment that i should have taken action. there were words that should have been said, but the moment has long past and all i am left with are "what if's". i know in my heart of hearts that i missed my opportunity and that knowledge has carved a small hole within. some days, i barely notice that the hole is there. it's as if the what if's and maybe's have been blown away like puffs of smoke. but then i face the days where i am all to aware of my regret and it feels like there is a bruise on my heart. hearts break and mend every day and i know that there will come a day when the memory is no longer tender to the touch. until that day, i will soldier on as best i can. mending and slowly forgetting.

they say that the best thing about regret is that it is never too late. this is true. unfortunately, fear creates a wall that is sometimes to difficult to overcome. fear can be a paralyzing force that will hinder every choice you are faced with. so essentially, regret is fear. at the base of most of my regret is the element of fear. well, except the regret i have about not buy a certain pair of shoes. god, i should have bought those shoes. but most everything else is tinged with fear. i was afraid of failure, so i didn't go to NYC. i was afraid of rejection, so i never told him that i loved him. i was afraid of ridicule, so i went along with the crowd, knowing that they were wrong. you see, crippling fear will best the strongest of us. my only hope is to take what i have learned and stand up and proudly be just me. and if i don't fear the outcome, i shall never again feel the pangs of regret because at least i tried. i loved. i experienced. and i did it all completely and whole heartedly. live. life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death.

the blues

i like the blues. always have. i love to listen to those smokey standards sung in a dimly lit bar by a beautiful woman lounging on a piano in a sparkling gown. i have never been one to write songs. i wrote bad emo poetry back in high school, before there was such a thing as emo, but i never felt like i could write song lyrics. and god help me, every time i tried to write music, it would come out sounding like everything i do, i do it for you. this is my shame. i will sing you every song from every musical i have ever seen but i can't write it myself.

well tonight is the night. i got the inspiration to write these lyrics while at work and wrote it down as soon as i got home. just remember that this is a first draft and i've never written a song before. so, please, be gentle. also picture me singing it in a seedy bar filled with a blue smokey haze in a sparkling gown, lounging across a piano

i am not that girl by tat2kitten

my longing could fill the sea
with just one glance at me
you melt my willing soul

my hope could soar above
if i could feel your love
your heart's an unreachable goal

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and fear
but i am not the girl

my dreams reach out for you
my heart is broken in two
cause i want you in my life

like a moth drawn to the flame
my desire does the same
you burn me with your eyes

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to feel the touch of your skin
why won't you let me in?
cause i am not the girl

confuse me
abuse me
enslave me
only your love can save me

but i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and your fear
but i am not the girl
to feel the touch of your skin
baby, please let me in
oh no
i am not the girl

Little Wonders

there are times, and i think that i can speak for most people, that i am overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated, under valued and simply downtrodden. hopefully not all at once... but there are those times when you feel that your essence is sapped from you and you wonder how you can keep your head above water. some people turn to their distraction of choice, be it drugs, drink, cigars ;) chocolate or any other external substance that will make it all better. my chocolate is sitting next to me at the moment. some people will exercise their blues away. not me buddy. i'm too lazy for that. i, personally, simply like to be held -- even for just a moment. i sometimes think that i don't get enough of that. isn't it funny, the things that one ends up compromising in relationships.

anyway. there is a great song, one of my favorites, called Little Wonders by Rob Thomas. it was the featured song in the film Meet the Robinsons by Disney. Rob Thomas said that he wrote it after watching his dog enjoying the wind blowing in its face while they walked in the park. there is a lesson to be learned from that little dog. enjoy the simple pleasures of life. the sun warming your skin. the smell of newly opened blossoms. the sound of a cat's purr. the things that we take for granted in life which are tiny gifts for us to enjoy, they are what make life worth living.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

the customer is always right (in their own mind)

well, kids...

i'm back in retail. and i am back at a book store. bonus. as some of you may know, i once worked at a book store chain and left for weird circumstances. but that is all behind me now as i have a great job, which i thoroughly enjoy at a new book store chain. and i'm not just saying all that because my boss might read my blog. i've said it before... working at a book store is great if you are at customer service because everyone that comes in the store assumes that you have read all the books that you sell. they ask you in almost reverent tones where they too might find a book which could offer them such enlightenment. it's like you are a librarian that doesn't shout at people for being too loud. sometimes you will have a customer that is stupefied that you can't find "that book with the word blue in the title that that guy on the radio was talking about this morning" "well, what radio station, ma'am?" "oh, i don't know. my kids were listening to it." and of course the that is the only information that they have to give. let me just say... i'm good, but i'm not that good. i once had a woman ask me to find "that book with the word wolf in the title". it wasn't about wolves but had a wolf on the cover. do you know how many books have the word "wolf" in the title? after scrolling through about 64 titles, i gave up and told her to just call when she had more info. on my first day at my new job, i had someone ask me for the "new" bram stoker novel. stoker died in 1912. i don't think that he has had anything published in a while. i have a friend who worked for the same company as myself and he had a frustrated woman that wanted a specific edition of the new testament. i say frustrated because at reaching her wits end in not finding what she wanted, turned to him and asked pleadingly, "when did they start putting the old and new testaments together?" oh, i don't know, like 300 AD. god, i love those strange few customers that give my blog fodder.

i've only been working at the store for a little less than a month, but already i have had some folks that defy normalcy. there is one guy that used to hang out at my old bookstore that now hangs out at my new bookstore. that man gives me the heebie jeebies. to me, he looks like what i imagine gollum would have looked like if instead of lurking in the depths of the misty mountains, had moved to a trailer park and eaten twinkies while he fondled "the precious". needless to say, i tend to stay on the other side of the store when i see this fellow. i'm sure he's nice but i tend to judge on my instincts and my instincts tell me to run away, run away! we have our share of oddballs, sure. like the old guys that buy a readers digest, paula dean's newest cookbook and the best of lesbian erotica of 2008. or the emo kids that think that they look very individualistic but actually look like the other group of emo kids that just left, who looked like the other emo kids that were there the night before. there is always at least one parent, every shift, that can not or will not control their child/ children. and there is at least one perv (probably trailer park gollum) that leaves random bits of porn all over the store. thank god, i like my co-workers

that is the thing about retail... it is a lot easier to get through a shift when you enjoy working with the staff. my last bookstore had a fun group of booksellers but the manager was difficult and looked like a giraffe. not that she was difficult because she looked like a giraffe, but she did and she was. i don't know what her deal was but she always seemed to not like me. it happens. i was good at my job, great at upselling, gift co-ordinating, and customer service but i was never "good enough" to achieve the employee of the month. and it was obvious to the entire staff that she purposely skipped me every month. so i took it upon myself to buy a oversized novelty button that read, "employee of the month" and wore it under my name tag. if anyone congratulated me on my "achievement" i would politely explain that it was a joke and that the actual EOTM was whomever it happened to be at that time. everyone would laugh and i would carry on with my work. perhaps my sassiness is why i no longer work there. this group i've now joined seem to be able to take a bit of sass and dish out some of their own. thank god. it's just a job, not life or death. they are just books. in the end all will be ok, so just work hard and enjoy it, eh?

but i guess that is the most important part of having a job. to enjoy. i don't work in offices because, i am too much of a free spirit. i get bored and then i get feisty, then i get fired. i have worked so many places (one of the many drawbacks of working in theatre professionally -- you have to supplement your income somehow.) but i find that doing a job where i get to assist people in some way, i like to think that i excel (or at least am kinda good). i enjoy the environment of being surrounded by books. i may not be much of a writer but i can absorb the power of the written word from the great minds that have gone before and paved the way for the next tolkin, Shakespeare, rowling and dickens. the next great name in literature may frequent my store and just maybe i will be the one that leads them to the book that fuels the flames of their literary career. the next Pulitzer prize winning author may be standing on the other side of the counter from me. watch it be trailer park gollum. *skeevy*

high diddle lee dee, an actors life for me

so. i haven't posted anything in a long while and for that i am sorry. i'm doing a show and am neck deep in The Producers. i have loved the show ever since i first saw it and thankfully this show hasn't changed that. that will happen sometimes... you see a show and fall in love with it and then by happy circumstance, you are able to work on that same show. something unpleasant happens during the run and now the show is ruined for you forever. happens all the time.

i have been unusually casualty free during the run (knock on wood) so i have enjoyed it pretty well. the last show i did, i fell down a flight of stairs. i was bruised but generally ok. the show before that, i got sick and had to be mic'ed and still couldn't be heard. i've fallen off stages, walked into sets, been run over by set pieces. i'm clumsy. what can i say.

ok so here is the deal. i have to get something off my chest right now. but it is a long and sad tale of deceit and treachery within the world of theatre. hold on to your butts, cause here we go.

several years ago, i was hired by a great director to stage manage his new play which he was taking to a competition (which we won best drama, btw). the theatre that was hosting our rehearsals was also premiering the new play prior to the competition, so i spent a lot of time there. apparently, all the hard work that i was putting in for this show had not gone unnoticed by the TD of the theatre, who it so happens needed a SM for his production of West Side Story. i love that show so when he asked if i was interested, i jumped at the chance. that and you never know when you next gig will come along so best to take it when you can. i did the run with the new play, went to competition, came home and started working on west side. when i went into the artistic dir office to sign the paper work and contracts and what have you, i let them know that if they like the work that i do, i would be willing to set up as the house stage manager. you know, stage manage most of the shows and the ones that i couldn't, coordinate the finding and training of stage managers. i would be on staff. they seemed up for my suggestion and told me that they while they couldn't hire me on staff at that time, the budget meeting would be soon and it would be discussed then. until that time, would i consider "volunteering" with other shows to make sure that i fit in with the other staff and the theatre as a whole. that sounded fine to me as i was volunteering to do spot op and shit like that, not stage manage.

West Side Story was a hit and i felt really good about the production as a whole. after it closed, i upheld my part of the bargain by running spots, set painting during the day and generally being available for what needed to be done. then i met The Bob's.

The Bob's are a local theatre couple that are both named bob and direct, choreograph and support the local theatres. everyone around this damn town acts like the bob's opinion is the be all and end all of theatre as a whole. i had never heard of them before moving here. anyway, the bob's were tag teaming Zorba. one bob was directing the other was stage manager. i was asked to be the assistant SM/deck crew chief (the DCC is in charge of the stage crew and makes sure that everything on the stage is taken care of). i was told that i didn't really need to come to rehearsals until they moved on stage (meaning that the rehearsals took place in a rehearsal room and i wasn't needed until there was set and stuff to worry about) no prob, just let me know when you want me. i was in and out of rehearsals all the time, making sure i was aware of the show. once the cast started rehearsing on stage, i brought my notebook and really got down to business. i had cues written as a back up, set changes choreographed and various lists of rails and props and other whatnots that are needed to be recorded for big shows like zorba. i am a great assistant.

one thing you should know about the bob's is... they will call a rehearsal for certain times and if they don't finish what they had planned for rehearsal, they will keep going. that sounds great doesn't it. well, when you want to run act one and you aren't past the 4th scene and it's already 10:30 at night and you have kids in the cast and the cast as a whole is volunteer and were told that rehearsal would end at 10 and the director is yelling for the next scene and most of the cast has left of their own accord because they have work in the morning... well as you can imagine, it's not fun. that sort of thing happened all the time, i was running late for my PAYING job because of my VOLUNTEERING at the theatre. i told the bob's that i had to leave. rehearsal should have ended an hour and a half before and i had to go to my job. well they threw the biggest hissy fit ever and then said i could go. i'm all for the show must go on and crap, but i have to pay my bills and stuff.

shit like that went on the whole time we rehearsed. then the day before the show, i get a call on my cell from one of the bob's (some people call him bad bob) he informs me that since i can't seem to get along with the cast (that was news to me, since about half the cast was people with whom i had worked many times and with whom i enjoyed doing shows) that they were going to let me go as the assistant SM. and would i bring my prompt book to the theatre that afternoon so the new stage manager could take over. who did they get to replace me? some guy that had been hanging around the theatre for the last week. i thought that he was a family member of one of the cast members but no... he was there to watch me so that he could usurp my position. ass. i tried to say that they technically couldn't fire me as i was unpaid. but bob just said that they didn't want me there. so with a heavy heart, i took my prompt book to the theatre and left it at my station. i picked up my personal items and left.

come to find out after all was said and done... that pretty boy that took over my show was hired as a house SM. the artistic dir basically used me for free labor with a staff job as a carrot. after all was said and done, i tried to be as professional and kind to the bob's. i figured that they were just caught in the middle of the drama and couldn't be faulted. besides everyone around here thinks that they are really important so, might as well stay on their good side.

i have now learned that the bob's have been telling people that i quit the show and left them in the lurch. that is fucking bullshit. and anyone who knows me, knows that i have never done such a thing because it isn't in my nature to do so. the time for caring and placating those assholes is over. as much as i want to be petty and make all sorts of comment about them, i won't but know this. the bob's can lick my lizard.

(and that goes for jason brener, too. i don't like him in any way. not romantically, not friendly, not professionally. and he better stop telling people that i have romantic interests in him or i will gleefully kick his ass. and i mean that literally. i will do him physical harm if he doesn't shut his howling screamer.)

i just had to get all that off my chest and now i fell better.

we're not ganna pay rent!

(30 year old me again. this post is mostly about me seeing rent. so if you haven't seen it: 1. where have you been? under a rock?!? 2. spoiler alert.)

Sept 6, 1998 @ 9:40

angel was backlit during his solo in "contact" and you could see his "little friend" in silhouette. roger was getting read to do his musetta's waltz in "la vie boheme" and accidental strummed during mimi and benny's confrontation. Collins was so fun loving and playful. you could tell who was an american and who wasn't. the chorus took their solos a lot slower. it was actually kinda cute. i think out of all the times i've seen this show, this was my favorite. adam and anthony were the best mark and roger (well, they were the originals. god, my 19 year old self is dumb) but i did like the interaction between mark and joanne from the us national tour better. wilson jermaine heredia was the best angel although the nyc angel was good too. the nyc joanne was the best and tour collins was very good. but i just love the angel/ collins relationship. you could really see the chemistry between them. the nyc maureen was better but the london girl was good. nyc homeless were better but london's alexi darling was so funny!

friday night, on the tube, some guy tried to ask me out on a date. he looked like a sane version of john malkovitch (i totally do not remember this incident). now to hampton court. it seems to me that a lot of pavement is wasted because they drive on the other side of the road. (what the hell does that mean?)

Sept 6 @ 2:54 (how do you like these exact times, eh?)
hampton court gardens are very pretty. there were some canadian geese and ducks and swans. there were carriage rides and one carriage was being pulled by what looked like Frisian horses (the horse from Ladyhawk. i love that movie and i love that breed of horse). one of the swans attacked my shoe and i feed the geese by hand (i go half way around the world to the court of king henry the 8th and all i can talk about is feeding the ducks. bless) the gardens were very romantic; made you want to be in a couple. i got lost in the maze (there is a maze made of shrubbery. it was so fun). i went through it with dori and mel and some other harlaxton students. all of us got confused (big surprise there) but dori made it out first. so the rest of us played marco polo to find our way out. kevin would have liked the maze. wish he were here.

for the love...

there is a phenomenon that has been present in theatre ever since the first production, though i don't have any proof. this quite common occurrence is what as know as the inevitable Theatre Crush. everyone has experienced it at some time or another and casts from now until the last curtain falls on the final show will have lingering effects of it.

it goes without saying that when you throw a group of people into a confined space under stressful circumstances, a variety of relationships will emerge. most are quite harmless and innocent. i, personally, tend to look after the younger members of my casts and end up becoming a older sister figure to some of them. there are strong bonds of friendship that are formed with dressing roommates as you prepare for the night's performance. these people with whom you share the stage, have to have your trust and have earned yours as well. you have laughed at each other, cried together in stress and loss, nursed your wounds and celebrated the triumph of another opening night. it stands to reason that your cast is emotionally linked to you and you to them. unfortunately, as is with most casts, after the final performance your friendships slowly fades. you never mean for it to happen but it always does. then you are cast in a new show and new bonds twine themselves around your heart. sometimes, if you are lucky, your former castmates will join you in the new show but it is never the same as it was before. each show is unique, like catching lightening in a bottle, and for that reason the relationships formed are precious.

now. that is all very well and good and platonic but what of the little theatre romances that crop up in every show. we are all guilty of having a little crush here or there. perhaps it starts as admiration. "man, she has such a beautiful singing voice" or "oh, he speaks shakespeare so eloquently." then that admiration morphs into a crush of sorts.

my first theatre crush was on a young man named, steven phillips. he and i did several shows together growing up. his whole family, sans father, did shows at the local community theatre. what a hot mess that family was. the father was a preacher at a local church and the mother was a slut who wore her 13 year old daughter's clothes. her actions forced the church people to ask the preacher to resign because she was such an embarrassment. the 13 year old daughter was a sweet girl but rather vapid. the youngest son was concentrated evil and then there was steven. cute, as far as i was concerned, charming and mischievous, steven was big ol' fish in tiny ass pond. we were rehearsing Carnival and i started to develop a little crush on him. one of our rehearsals fell on valentine's day and when i arrived at the theatre, steven handed me a box of candy, a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear. then he proceeded to tell me that he had a crush on one of the chorus girls, a pretty girl but one of the biggest idiots i have ever met, and would i give her the gifts because he was too shy to give them to her himself. sure. no problem. would you also like my heart roasted on a spit while you're at it? so needless to say, i learned early on not to hang too much hope on a theatre crush.

the best example i have of theatre crushes on awry is from my days in college theatre. but as i don't have permission from one of the main players to tell the story of The Great Backstage Relationship Explosion and i do not wish to embarrass said person, you'll just have to ask me individually. i am more than willing to tell you because i love telling this story.

so for all those in theatre, the men and women kicking their own asses to produce the best damn show you've ever seen, i raise my glass. find comfort where you may, cherish those with whom you work and if you are lucky to have your theatre crush returned-- enjoy stolen kisses, for those are the sweetest.

happy anniversary

today is my first anniversary. i was surprised with breakfast in bed by my husband. i plan to surprise him with a clean house when he gets off work. moments like anniversaries tend to make one stop and reflect and dream about the possibilities of the future.

the three years that Himself and i have been together have been so rewarding and blessed. though we don't have a perfect financial portfolio (hell, we don't have a portfolio at all, just a savings account) we have a nice apartment, wonderful pets and loving families that encourage and support us. some say that the 1st year is the hardest. i don't know if this is true but i'm certainly looking forward to what life has in store for us. god willing, we will move to Texas in the spring and start the next phase of our family -- kids. yeah, that aught to be interesting. the children of a nude model/actress and a magician/massage therapist... our kids are gonna be little freaks. but cultured freaks.

i am watching The Slipper and the Rose (#1 of my romance movies) and i was just thinking that relationships are so weird. one incident, usually insignificant, can make or break a relationship. a well placed word can make the girl say yes to a date. one misplaced word can get you a slap on the face and you never see her again. and what of those chance meetings. the held gaze of a stranger while in line at the bank or the slight electrifying touch when passing a pen to the person next to you on the train. is it fate or destiny or the hand of God that orchestrates this dance of love that we all are called to participate. why are some of the worst dancers always with partners when the best dancer on in the ballroom is left standing as a wallflower. i don't understand it anymore than the next person but i am finally content with the hand i was dealt. granted... life is not all peaches and cream. it never will be but it is the moments of perfection that make the journey worth the stumbles.

London Calling

(i was going to do a new post today but i believe that i will save it for tomorrow, since tomorrow is my one year anniversary. so with your indulgence we will pick up the story of 19 year old tat2kitten as she goes on about london and kevin and other whatnots.)

Sept 5 @ 11:16 pm
i am soaking in the bathtub (quite literally. i do all my best thinking in the bathtub and will go out of my way to make a small haven for myself in the bathroom. i will usually have a nice long soak amongst mountains of bubbles and accompanied by my book de joure {hey jess, de jouer means bubble baths}, my beverage of choice, my phone and my ipod. these sessions of lolling in the tub will take no less than an hour and a half) after a wonderful day. only if adam pascal had asked me to be his wife, could this day have been any better. this morning, the weather was dreary (dreary weather in london? you don't say) it rained on and off for a good part of the day. thankfully, i brought my coat (which was shellacked with scotch guard) i wore my sandals and black pants with my white tank under my black sweater with the red and white stripe. (cute sweater. got it on sale) the HSU (my college in tx) gang went to Westminster Abby. i saw the tomb of edward the longshanks, edward the black prince and mary, queen of scots. if memory serves -- weren't they some of the cruelest rulers of englands bloody history? but i also saw queen elizabeth I's tomb and alfred lord Tennyson, and memorials to t.s. elliot and my personal favorite, William Shakespeare. i got a bit teary at Shakespeare's memorial. just before we left, there was a short moment of silence for princess diana. (it was the 1st anniversary of her death) melanie and i lit a candle memory of our family members -- her grandmother and my grandfather. it was hard to take in all of what was there to be seen. the majesty of the holy ground was overwhelming. then we acted like tourist and took pictures of everything. we ate a delightful little cafe. i had brunch with scrambled eggs on toast, bacon and mushrooms. larry bought us all a big chocolate chip cookie. then off to rent at the shaftsburry theatre. i was worried about finding it but we turned the corner and there it was. my heart literally stopped. we picked up our tickets at will call and i bought an autographed photograph of adam pascal, another for melissa (my buddy from school; the same semester that i was at harlaxton, she did a year at cambridge), a program (you have to buy the programs at the west end), a poster and during the intermission i ended up buying the cast recording (mine was stepped on a couple of months before). the lobby had some postcards with cast photos for free so i swiped about half. we were early so we went to a bar around the corner and had drinks -- soda's and coffee. we headed back and took our seats. we sat around as the band took their places and warmed up. then adam (le sigh) walked out and i lost it. of course i have NO voice (i must have been sick or something) so all i could do was clap. then anthony came out and i lost it again. it's still hard for me to believe that i watched rent with adam, anthony, jessie and wilson! 4 original cast members were in it and they were wonderful (duh!) i spent the entire 2nd act crying (it's nice to know that somethings in life don't change. i saw rent again last spring and spent the entire 2nd act crying) i loved it but that is an understatement. after the show, i waited by the stage door (a favorite little game of mine) and waited as usual. angel came out first and i told him about how much Rent means to me. i cried as i told him how Jonathan Larson's death and my grandfather's death paralleled each other. wilson just held me; it made me feel better. then anthony came out and i told him also. he gave me a hug and agreed with me about the power of rent because his mother died last year. i felt so bad for him. we talked briefly. i should have asked them out for drinks. anthony signed my program. dr ivey (the head of the theatre dept for hardin-simmons at the time. his sister is judith ivey, the actress. he apparently went to school with gary sinise and john malkovitch. he hates them. it's fabulous) and emily met me at the theatre and i went with them to the globe theatre. wow once again! it was neat because we took the same route that my mom and i took to get to the globe 2 summers prior. we ate there at the theatre and then the show began. mark rylance, first seen by me in Henry V, was one of the lead characters. it was great. shakespeare's language set in the 1960's. i loved it, but not as much as rent. i was excited to see mark rylance perform again. there is something in the way in which he delivers his lines that makes me feel like putty. he could easily seduce me and i would follow like a trained poodle (doth mine ears deceive me -- what of the noble kevin?) i caught his eye one or two times. during rent, i know that the saw me (and probably heard me weeping like i had been stabbed). i love the theatre. i can only hope that i will be as good as the actors who i've seen today (pretty tall order). dori and mel have come home. both are LIT. esp. dori. whoa -- she's bombed. i guess i'll have to be the mom now. (i got out of the tub while back, just so you know) i got mel cleaned up and in bed. dori is uncooperative. i don't want to be drunk this whole semester. only on my birthday. i just can't believe it... i saw adam pascal and anthony rapp! i met anthony and wilson! i will never forget that. i'm a little overstimulated still, there are so many memories that i have made and so many more that are waiting for me. now i can only dream -- and wait for dori to sober up and get up off my floor.

Let's Dance

more from the vaults...

August 30th 1998 @12:48 am
i feel very lonely right now. my roommate, Leah, is a very sweet girl and had all her friends in the room when i came in. they were looking at bridal magazines. Leah is engaged and i think that that is great. today i was talking with mel (some girl from my school that went to england too. bit of a digbat... but very sweet) and i confided in her my feelings of how lonely i feel during my cycle. she agree and it was good to hear that i'm not the only one that feels that way but it doesn't take away my loneliness. i feel as though i have a void in my core. like a donut with a soul. it would be great if i could find a... well, whatever i need to fill it (heh heh. she said fill it) maybe i just need some sleep.

August 31st 1998 at 11:53
(this whole entry was a letter that kevin fellow. let me surmise. i am a smitten girl that wants to say all the right things to her christian singer simi-boyfriend. if you want all the gooey details, let me know and i'll email it to you. but just so you know, it's all just a bunch of mooning about by a girl that just needs to... well... get laid)

Sept 1 '98 @ 7:40 am
I awoke this morning feeling just fine. it's raining out (welcome to england, toots). it's a calming sound -- the rain. today will be a good day.

Sept 1 @ 4:18 pm
i'm feeling very Broadway, today.

Sept 4 @12:40 am
tomorrow i leave for London. this is so exciting. today we had a ceilidh, pronounced kay-lee. it was the most fun i have ever had! we did all sorts of scotch/irish dances, line dances, group dances and some couple dances. there was one that was like musical chairs on it was with dance partners. there were four couples and one person in the middle. all the couples danced around the person in the middle. then that person joined in and when the music stopped the person left without a partner had to dance in the middle of the group. there was a dance called the boston tea party. there was a fast waltz. i had a blast. there was so much drinking and dancing and laughing. i did a jig and the band said i was a good dancer (they must have been drunk)

Sept 4 @ 9:18 am
well, we are underway to london. i'll get to see Rent tomorrow! YEAH!!! ya know, what i liked best about the ceilidh was that everyone was dancing with everyone else. even the guys were dancing. i had so much fun. leah said that she wants to have a ceilidh at her wedding and i'm gonna have to agree with her. wow. not much will beat the fun we all had last night -- except for rent. i hope i don't see the understudies perform.

Sept 4 @ 5:39 pm
London is a bursting, busy city full of interesting bawdy people ("it's an island. just an island. full of people. i want to meet some guys, some italian guys. maybe watch some t.v." thank you parker posey) i got irritated today with larry (major jerk from my school) dorie (a sheep girl if i've ever met one, would do whatever she thought the cool kids were doing including getting a tattoo cause i did and a navel piercing cause mel did) and jason (big stupid jock), well not so much jason but larry is always picking on me and today he just got too annoying. dorie is all moody. none of us have been sleeping enough and i know that has a lot to do with it. and i know that i was not the most pleasant to be around either, lately. it's just that i have such a passion for theatre and a lot of people just don't understand and can't appreciate it the way i do. i'm pretty complacent for the most part but i will NOT let this trip end up like the last time i came to london. (i went with my mom, poppy and aunt patti. no one could agree on what to do and i spent most of the time annoyed with the lot of them) i have a feeling that the others would rather not have me around and that's fine with me. i'll go on My own :S and do what i want! i'll go see RENT. adam pascal will ask me to marry him (bless) and we'll have a short ceremony. i'll go to see "the honest whore" at the globe. besides, why should dampen their parade. i know that i annoy all of them except Mel (cause she's a nice person, the others are just bastard people). maybe i will just go out on my own. i don't need anyone's help. i'll do what i want!

Sept 4 @ 11:47 pm
Les Miz! wow. this afternoon i bought a ticket for it and for 15 pounds i got limited view on the 2nd row. i could see the make-up, mics and wig lines. one of the actors waved at me and let me just tell you... the lights were making me hot and the fog from the smoke machine cooled me off. (any closer and they would have had to slap a flag in my hand and send my onstage too) the music was so good. the scene where javert jumped from the bridge was awesome. the lighting was great. it looked like water. after the show, the group from hardin-simmons went to a pub across the circus. i had a two dogs. there was a group of guys sitting at a table and the blond cute one was eyeing me. no doubt why... i was wearing my hottie momma outfit (short skirt, knee high boots, tight sweater) this country, this city is so magical. this is the city of kings and queens and knights. peter pan, shakespeare, paddington bear. i want to see and do so much! i really want to see Rent. Tomorrow is it baby!!!! TOMORROW I SEE RENT! TOMORROW I SEE RENT! (single track mind. love that rent)

isn't it romantic

so. not long ago i realized that i have a completely unrealistic idea of romance. i was brought up with movie musicals and romantic comedies and now as an adult, the love being played at is what i have come to expect in my own life. of course i also expect random acts of dance to explode around me and that my life should have it's own soundtrack but for some reason these unrealities don't bother me. it's the lack of heart wrenching passion that bothers me.

please don't get me wrong... i have a very loving husband. he lets me just sit around the house doing my yarn projects and never asks me to lift a finger to help clean. he always compliments my cooking. he lets me sleep late on days which i don't have an 8:30 class to pose for. he doesn't yell at me. he puts on my favorite movie (the king and i) when i am sick and does magic tricks for me to cheer me up when i am gloomy.

i guess i just long for the complete fantastical when it comes to romance. and keep in mind, romance and love are not the same thing. love is sticking by someones side throughout the hardships. romance is leaving a dozen roses for your spouse for no other reason than just to see them smile. love is wiping puke off your spouse's face when they have the stomach flu. romance is whisking your spouse off to epcot center for dinner at the same restaurant that you ate dinner at on the night of your wedding. love is putting up with a spouse's smelly farts. romance is poetry and love letters.

see the difference? i have all the love. it's the romance that i long for. mike's family aren't really big gift givers, whereas my family are huge gift givers. i mean we try to out give each other. and i think that this may have something to do with it. don't misunderstand, i don't necessarily want something bought for me. although, they weren't lying when they said that diamonds are a girl's best friend. but poetry and songs and cuddling on the couch... these are free. perhaps i am hyper-sensitive because i'm in the show and i'm not home much. but one thing is for sure... i am loved very much but not romanced often enough. i guess i'm just gonna have to school him! :)

TAT2KITTEN'S TOP TEN ROMANTIC MOVIES
10. Dracula: sure i am practically afraid of my own shadow, gary oldman as dracula is almost more than i can take. dracula's wife throws herself off the castle tower when she thinks that dracula is dead. he spends the rest of his undead life mourning her. then he hooks up with her reincarnated in wynona ryder (meh :S) other than ms. ryder and mr keanu reeves "stellar" acting this is a great macabre romance
9. 50 First Dates: adam sandler and drew barrymore star in this tear jerking comedy. she plays lucy who has a head injury that causes short term memory loss so everyday adam sandler has to make her fall in love with him. i cry, just about every time i watch this film. it is funny and sweet and i love it.
8. The Wedding Singer: yet another drew and adam film. this 1980's homage has a wedding singer and a waitress falling in love under the pretence of planning her wedding to a jerk. great soundtrack and adam writes a great song for drew. i don't cry but it makes me feel good to watch it.
7. Beauty and the Beast: i like this movie so much that i had the title song played at my wedding. beautiful, but smart girl sacrifices herself for her father's sake. trapped in a castle with the beast, the two slowly fall in love and her love is strong enough to break the beast's enchantment. the only animated film to be nominated for an oscar.
6. The Ghost and Mrs. Muir: rex harrison stars in this 1947 classic. mrs. muir is a widow and decides to rent a house by the sea. rex harrison plays the ghost of a sea captain which is haunting the house. they work together to write his memoirs in order for her to buy the home and their love grows. rex harrison as a salty sea captain... brills
5. Ladyhawk: the captain of the guards (Navarre) falls in love with the most beautiful girl in the city (isabol). she returns his love and all is well and right with the world. the evil priest also lusts for her and since he can't have her, he finds a witch to curse the lovers. Navarre is transformed into a wolf at night and isabol is transformed into a hawk by day. forever together, eternally apart. they must find a way to break the spell before they are cursed for their love forever.
4. Enchanted: Giselle comes from a fairy tale and is shoved into our reality. patrick dempsey helps her to find her true love and the two end up falling in love. the best scene is in the ballroom when patrick dempsey starts to sing to giselle. this is a wonderful homage to disney fairy tale movies. there are lots of little "disney" moments to look for.
3. Moonstruck: Cher at her finest and the best acting Nick Cage did before he started sucking. this is a really Italian movie. if you've ever wanted a window into the lives of the new york italian family. every part is funny and heart filled and there are some really good lines. "you're a wolf"
2. Princess Bride: "Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..." "doesn't sound too bad. i'll try to stay awake." how could there be a list of romantic movies and this not be on it? westley is the greatest of romantic heros. "death can not stop true love. all it can do is delay it a little."
1. The Slipper and the Rose: i love love love this movie. the cinderella story kicked up a notch. richard chamberland as the prince (le sigh) and costumed in 17th century french nobility. it is beautiful, funny and all that love should be. remember what cinders was heard saying after the ball, "the right pair of shoes can changer your life."

there are so many films that i could have put on the list but i looked through my personal dvd stock and picked the films that i watch most. so sue me for wanting my life to be a little bit more like a rodgers and hammerstein musical. in times like these, isn't a little peice of fantastic deserved?

a man's house is his castle

August 29 @ 11pm (Harlaxton)

my first full day in harlaxton. it wasn't half bad. breakfast was ok but i think that they cook only the yokes of the eggs here. yesterday afternoon, melanie poucher and dore fomby and i went to the gardens. it was great, very peaceful and nice. there are five Hardin-simmons university students. me, mel, dore, jason king and larry lawson. last night they gave us a tour of the manor. i did not care!i was so freaking tired. today, i went to grantham with dore, mel and larry. i must not forget kevin (this guy again?). i know it will be hard because i am not used to this whole thing but i will try because he means to much to me to loose. i wish he were here. i think he would have had a good time and i know he would have LOVED the gardens. i picked a thistle for him. it's pressing right now. it's not that i'm looking for someone - i'm so used to having male friends and the only friends i have right now are girls. not that that's bad. it's just weird, i guess. everyone i've met is nice i guess, but everybody is nice when you first meet them one the first day of orientation. we spent the morning in grantham. saturday market was there so there were lots of shops and vendors selling things. i found dr pepper so i'll be just fine. i won't sell out kevin!!! this thought is crashing through my mind. i only ever know two guys and they are both from my school. i won't sell out kevin! he deserves better than that. hell, he deserves better than me. his picture is sitting on my nightstand.i just caught a glance of it. i love the smile (ok blah blah blah.... i liked this guy and he was really great... blah blah blah... let's just skip to the good stuff. if i go one about that guy again i'll just surmise or leave it out all together)

well. at the market, i bought at bucket for my bath stuff, a towel, a face cloth and an elbow wrap which i thought was a knee wrap -- so i can't read. i also bought some paper and 2 dr peppers. i also bought my books and switched my class from philosophy (i shouldn't have done that!) to shakespeare. i had to buy 17 books in all, including the modern drama book i brought from home. some of the former hsu/harlaxton students left a couple of boxes of stuff. i ended up with a notebook, more paper, some travel books, some markers and a pillow.

(i go on about kevin for a while)

anyway, i explored on my own today and found a lot of stuff like different ways to get somewhere (i.e. servant and secret passages) dinner tonight was for us to eat with the president of the school. i wore my black pants and silver. everyone met in the great hall, shook the pres's hand, drank some wine and stood around looking at each other. then all of a sudden, from out of nowhere, this man playing bagpipes comes in and leads us to dinner. it was quite a spread! fruit cocktail and bread... then the main course of chicken cordon bleu, potato and broc. followed by tea and pastry. white wine and water was served to drink. at 8:30, a bunch of us went down to the pub in front of the manor. Greg's. i had a pims and lemonade and a two dogs. it's an Australian lemon brew. i also had sips from other peoples drinks like stout and a snake bite. i liked the snake bite! i'm not drunk (yeah right), a little sleepy perhaps but fine otherwise. i think i may get kinda lovey if i were to actually get drunk but since that hasn't happened yet - i wouldn't know. (more yap about that kevin) someone just drove up in a taxi but i can't tell who. i know a lot of, well about half of the group went pub hopping in grantham. you know... half of the shakespeare books i bought, i all ready have. at home! well, that's life. ironic- don't ya think. well i'm going to shower now. it is now midnight!

emo girl rides again

ready for another instalment of tat2kitten's journeys abroad? well... here we go!

August 27 '98 @1:24 (uk time)

i'm listening to "leaving on a jet plane" on my cd. Guess who i'm thinking about? i guess i really haven't stopped thinking of kevin since we said our farewells. sunday. that was truly the hardest good-bye i had to say. i'm just so tired of hurting. kevin says"absence makes the heart grow fonder" i say "or forgetful". i don't want to forget him. he's too charming, romantic, funny beautiful, happy, godly, impish, caring, loving, smart (jeeze kid, get on with it) smart, talented, amusing, silly, bubbaish, comforting and trying.

god--

thank you for giving me such safe travel thus far. the lightening outside the plane is pretty. scary but pretty. thank you for letting it not hit the plane. thank you for kevin. he has added much to my life. Lord, i just pray for his future wife (i don't think that he is married... i looked him up on myspace and it looks like he is single). lord, please let her love him unconditionally and take care of all of his needs. please allow her to grow close to you and be able to be the spiritual woman that you would like her to be as you child and kevin's wife. lord, i also pray for and life up my husband. (that would be Himself the magician) Lord, please love him and hold him in your arms. let him be the spiritual man that i need as i walk in your will. lord, please give me the wisdom to know what that is exactly. lord, i just pray that he loves me and makes me feel safe. god, please be with kevin as he travels with his band. bless his words, voice and songs and lease give him a hug for me. thanks. i love you god. you are too awesome for words. greater than any other thing, person or power. i love you.

August 28 @ 2:22 (central standard)

we got off the plane, went through customs and met the group without a hitch. i went outside and saw my breath. we think that it's about 65 degrees. ha ha!