it's a...nice day for white wedding

So. The Boy and i are getting hitched in 8 days. as you can see from the photo to the left, we are having a disney wedding and let me tell you something here. it is sooooo much easier to let disney take care of everything. this was the best choice we could have made. besides each other.

The Boy and i met when we worked at the same company. he worked as a carpenter and built doors and i sat on my ass and pretended to work when all i really did is play tetris all day. he and i had a mutual friend that pretty much fixed us up and it was very much like high school. "do you like him?" "do you like her?" eventually he asked for my phone number and i gave it to him sans area code not realizing that he did not have a local cell phone. so when he called, he got some funky message and thought that i had blown him off. meanwhile... i waited for him to call and thought that he had blown me off. after realizing what had happened we had a good laugh and decieded to go out on a date. we've been together ever since.

no this is not my first marriage, i can tell you this... God willing, it will be my last. and the best thing is that disney is handling everything. with my first wedding, i was lucky in that i am from a small town and was married in my home church and most of the town went to my church so they would cut me a break. i.e. a discount on the flowers and groomcake and i didn't have to pay for the rental for the church and i only had to pay 1/2 price for the reception hall (but that was because there was going to be a class reunion that night and they were just going to use my decorations). but even with all that help, it was still expensive and stressful and tedious to coordinate all of the elements that make up a wedding. like music and flowers and photography and stuff. some of my friends performed and my aunt played the piano, so that was ok. also, i had a bagpiper and that was cool. the flowers... well, the florist went on a church retreat and left his minions in charge and they duded out the church in these beautiful tropical flowers. only problem was that my colors were pastels. my mom was so upset that she cried. and for that i made the minions cry and then redo the whole thing. and to top it all off, my photographer was a total natzi bitch. if i wasn't minding my p & q's, i'd have knocked her in the head with my stilletto.

but i don't have to worry about any of those crazy things with this wedding. disney has it all under control. and for a pretty resonable price everything from the site rental to the champange toast is covered. we have our site (sea breeze pointe at the boardwalk), our flowers (white calla lilies tied with a blue satin ribbon with blue crystals decorating the flowers), the music (a violinist), a photographer (they will send the proofs in a book, put the proofs on a website for us and package the photos we choose into a personalized wedding album), a limo (for 5 hours), and the reception food (marble cake with raspberry mousse and buttercream icing and sparkling cider -- we didn't want the champange). and the coordinator is handling everything. i don't have to worry my pretty little head about anything.

as for the reception, we are going to have a progressive dinner around the worlds at Epcot. much fun will be had by all. so... all that said, my next post will be made after we get back from honeymoon, and i will tell you all about it!

Cats! I'm Gonna Purr Forever...

Well. monday night was quite possibly the biggest travesty in my auditioning career. and i have had some real doozies! Like the time that i auditioned for "Into the Woods" and the musical director didn't like the song that i had picked out to sing. she complained that it didn't show off my range. i explained that it did show off my acting and she just scoffed at me. she then proceeded to give me the wrong starting pitch twice. in a tearful voice a pleaded with her to just give me my starting note. once into the song, i nailed it, as usual. i like the song i had chosen and had used it from many auditions and have always done very well with it. then the musical director complained again that the song didn't show my vocal range so asked me to sing some scales, which she played completely randomly. i was so frazzled when i came out of that audition, all i could do is cry. and i was between shows on my double so that meant i had to reapply my makeup for the evening performance. needless to say... i was not cast in "Woods".

back to Cats.

i love the show. i have seen it a 3 different times. the first time was the national tour at the Dallas Music Hall. Grizabella forgot the lyrics to "Memory". how ironic. to forget the lyrics to a song called memory and the simple fact that it is one of the only songs that anyone knows. i have also seen it on Broadway at the Winter Garden. that was fun. there was a lady in the audience that insisted on petting one of the actors that was in the audience. he finally had to say "please don't touch my costume". i laughed at the lady. she was like, "oh, i'm so sorry. i keep forgetting that you are actors." dumb woman. the final time that i was able to see the show, was when i going to school in London. my friend matt was in the cast, and i was able to score tickets for the final performance. my seats were on the stage bit that revolves with the set. at one point his blocking was to sit right in front of me. it was very cool as i could bearly recognize him in all the makeup. so i like the show. i know that some people hate it and i could care less, because i like it.

now. i am no dancer. i like to pretend that i can dance but in all actuality, i dance like a big old hot mess on wheels, as my roommate from college can attest. i dance like my dad. and he dances like elaine from seinfeld. and in the words of jerry, "it's like a full-body dry heave set to music." i have taken some dance classes. i did a whole year of it my freshman year of high school and i also took a class in university. i have had some intro to ballet, jazz and tap. i also like to watch Fosse and All That Jazz. but that is about all i know about dance. but i am trainable. and a hard worker. so i get to the auditions (after being sick all day with a sinus infection) and we start part of the dance audition. after an hour of (painful) dance we take a break. there were plie's and jumps and a lot of cat movements. i liked it but it was rather difficult for me. but i did my best and laughed at the whole thing. then came the singing. the accompanist gave a lovely flourish instead of the starting pitch that i asked for and i (stupidly) picked the wrong note to start. i was singing my song a full octive higher than it was written. but since i couldn't hear the piano anyway, i just plunged on. then i was asked to do some tap dance step. i didn't know how and the director settled on seeing what i could do in tap, which isn't much. after everyone sang, we started the second dance portion. it was easier for me and had lots of high kicks, which i can do in spades. i was so excited when i nailed it during the group dance that i was jumping up and down. of course i became fumble feet during my actual audition part but i smiled and was energetic. and i had fun. some of my theatre friends were there as well and we all had a good laugh.

i don't have any high hopes of being cast. i will be lucky if i get a call back. if i do i know that i can impress the director (whom is a friend). but i am sure that i will not be one of the cats. i might still have a shot a Grizabella but more than likely i will just be a backstage singer. oh well. i get 'em next time. meow.

Michael Jackson is to blame

He's to blame folks. here is the man...er...whatever. i have been forever scarred by this man. and for what he did to me, i can never forgive.

when i was 5 years old, my mom would leave me at the day care center while she was at work. i don't remember very much about this day care center except that it was a group of brown buildings and it was surrounded by pine trees. and there is a "school" smell that i will always associate with that day care center, but i do remember the day that my world came crashing down around me.

my pre-school teacher wanted to have a fun halloween party. i remember that there were pumpkin and bat decorations hanging from the ceiling. and the teachers rolled the t.v. cart over and put in the michael jackson video, Thriller. we were all grouped around t.v. to watch. the next thing that i remember is hiding under a table with my eyes and ears covered, crying, and my mom pulling me out from hiding to take me home. apparently the teachers never noticed that i had run, terrified, from the room and hid in a classroom in a different building. needless to say... my mother, being the caring and saintly woman that she is, switched my day care center and i never had to go back. (incedently, that day care was shut down by child protective services... where my mom works. don't mess with my mom-- she'll put the hurtin' on ya!)

mama says that i was a pretty normal kid up until that point. (despite the fact that i felt the unquenchable desire to wear strange things on my head as hats. bowls... pots... boxs... baskets... the cat.) it was this michael jackson moment that changed me for the worse. after that point i was scared of the dark, monsters and dead people. not long after the day care incident, she was watching mtv and the triller video came on. i remember having a full blown freak-out until my mom changed the channle. soon we moved to Beaumont, Tx and i was enrolled in a new day care. it had the best playground in the world. this is when people just let childern run free on a playground and safety wasn't considered too often. good times. good times. they also took field trips all the time one of which was the weekly trip to the rainbow roller rink. this rink had blacklight painting of the solar system on the back wall and a disco ball. they also had really sticky bathroom floors and orange carpet. we would skate for what felt like hours and there was always a music video break where they would lower the projection screen and show the music video for a popular song. one day they made the horriffic mistake of showing... you guessed it, Thriller. i high tailed it to the back stall of the bathroom and tried to hid behind the toilet. the teacher finally found me but i wouldn't budge untill the video was over. they must have spoken to my mom about it because they let me hide from michael jackson from then on.

fast forward to today. i am 29 years old and i have yet to watch that damn video. i have trouble even looking at pics from the video. i also am terrified of zombies, the monsters under my bed, in my closet or generally lurking about to get me, i can't watch any scary movies and usually need an escort if i go anywhere at night. and you can forget about me taking a shower at night when i am home alone. when i was in college, they all got a big kick out of freaking me out. it was bad enough that it is embarressing to be such a wussy but there were times that i was so siezed by fear that i felt like my heart was going to explode. the worst was my freshman year. we went to the on campus haunted house, which i thought would be fine as i knew most of the students running it. in the first room, i freaked out, hypervenalated, kicked some guy in the balls and had to be carried out. my RA happened to be there and then proceded to excecisize the deamons out of me. she wasn't helping the situation at all. after i calmed down, my freinds and i headed to the theatre to watch a movie on the jumbo screen. and of course, the popular film was scream. damn that scream and it's sequels. needless to say... i didn't sleep well that year. i did everything i knew to do to conquer my fears, but i was just making it worse.

now we head into the halloween season. i love halloween. dressing up and not looking like a lunitic for going out in public is the best. the food, the crisp fall air. i love this time of year. but for me it is a double edge sword. t.v. starts showing more scary movies. and i start walking on egg shells. i still feel the panic rising in me like boiling water just walking into the halloween section at wal-mart. i start taking more baths and less showers because i'm too jumpy and i have an even harder time getting to sleep than normal. this year though, i have my zombie survival guide so i think i will be ready for halloween. all the same, i think that i would rather trick-or-treat at mickey mouse's not so scary halloween party- if it's all the same to you

glutten for punishment

so. the other day was International Talk Like A Pirate Day, which i was glad to celebrate. i had a wonderful post that included my pirate name (Capt'n Bloody Bess Morgan) and a list of my favorite pirate movies (all the pirate of the caribbean films, princess bride, hook treasure planet, and muppet treasure island) but i tried to get fancy with the photos and lost half of my blog. (grrrrrrr!)

anyway. i have been actually working at work despite what the photo to the left shows. the opening day for the purple cow theatre and i did over $21,000 worth of ticket sales in one day. plus i am sitting naked in front of people again, now that the school year is in full swing. and to top it off, my friend super d called me to understudy some chick in his premire performance show. apparently the chick in question has some butt cyst and had to have it removed, and i am there as a backup. this is all on top of trying to tie up any loose ends in the planning of the wedding between myself and The Boy. the director has me up til 11 and the dog has me up at 6 but i might as well just stay up all night as The Boy and the dog are both bed hogs and i rarely get a good, full nights sleep. so needless to say... i'm weary.

on the brighter side is that i get to wear a tutu and pointe shoes in my latest modeling endevor and i am getting lots of practice crocheting as i sit on my ass at the theatre, watching butt girl traipse across the stage. (she is back from the surgery and is going on in the show but i still have to go to rehearsals, despite the fact that i have no intentions of going on for butt girl.)

so the show is Fame Forever. do you remember the film, Fame? well, there was a stage musical, called Fame, recently made that picks up with the school year after the film. it was tolerable. Fame Forever picks up 20 years later and current students are the kids of the characters in the other musical. toss in a couple of ghosts looking for reincarnation and a forey into the near future and you have it. pure tony gold. blrrugh. this script is the biggest bunch of waffle i have ever read. here is just a sample:

Year- 2014, Setting- performing arts high school

Serena: So you made it (to the 30th class reunion) this time.

Nick: Yeah, I'm on hiatus from my new show. It's this reality show thing.

Serena: "Beyond Space and Time."

Nick: Yeah

Serena: It must be tough, filming on the moon.

Nick: Well, it's... you know what? It is what it is.

you can't get any better than that folks. anyway... the show is cast with folks that i have had the great pleasure of working with in the past and working with them is a pure joy. the choreography is excellent, esp: the tango. sexy. anyway, the show opens in a week and emotions are running high. gotta love those wacky theatre folks. i'll just be glad when it is over so that i can get some sleep.

let me just leave you with an image that i saw the other day. i don't know what it is but it works at the wal-mart and thinks that it is a witch. i can neither confirm nor deny wether it flies on a broom but it weaves nightmares into the dreams of small children and feble-minded.

I like to sit naked in front of people

but first, before i get into that mess...

my recipe for Chinese food.

1. choose your cat. any cat will do in a pinch but for the best flavor, it's best to be picky. shop around. your taste buds will thank you. it is very important to wash your cat before you start. i can not stress this enough. cleanliness is next to godliness, they say.

2. next, you must dry your cat. this can be tricky as the cat will want to escape. but great meals are created by blood, sweat, tears and a little bit of TLC.

3. the method of carving your cat is up to you. some people will swear by cubed steak, but i prefer fillet strip as the meat can soak up the flavor of the stir fry.

4. finally saute the cat in peanut sauce until it is browned. add you veg of choice and serve with a side of steamed rice.

***no cats were harmed in this blog, although the blogger was hissed at and ignored for the rest of the night by the cat***

fridge magnet poetry: by tat2kitten

her feet caressed my big heavy jelly bottom though he at some family yarn and probed a private golden wiggling sex mess by pleasuring the mischievous naked tiger we spanked on every exquisite night with violent milk and delicious smoke!

now for the actual blog:

i am a figure model (among other things) and i love my job. i'll be the first to admit that i don't have the body of a supermodel. hell, i barely have the body of one of the lesser models that stand next to supermodels hoping the super might rub off on them. now don't get me wrong, i still turn heads; i just don't look like a stick insect. anyway. if you think about it, i have a pretty sweet deal going on here. i get paid fairly well to sit for a length of time. that's it. ok so yeah, i'm naked but it's not like i'm doing anything freaky. it was hard the first time that i had to disrobe. i mean, suddenly people are looking a bits of you that only a spouse would see. and god bless the art students... no one ran from the studio, griping their face, screaming, "my eyes! my eyes!". some of the students are quite good. most... well there is a reason that they are students. some even give me samples of their work. if i like something, i'll ask for it or at least a copy of it. i am proud of the work that i do and am not ashamed to say it. (although it took me a year to be totally honest with the parental units about the type of modeling i do that the art school. as i see it... it is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.) The Boy doesn't mind. he was an art student at one time and understands that i just sit there. the funniest thing is the dynamic of the relationship with the students. i will sometimes run into students that i have posed for whilst i am out running errands. awkward. here you are standing in the shampoo section of wal-mart and next to you is an art student. it's less awkward running into the professors when i'm out and about. but still, you're like, "this person has seen my bits. nothing left to the imagination. sorry for that." i must say that the art that i have posed for is, in most cases, quite beautiful. very classic art. it makes me feel beautiful. i'll admit that it is frustrating posing for artist that are less practiced. in the same class, you will have a piece that will take your breath away sitting next to a piece that makes you want to go poke out you mind's eye. but the following pieces are me at my most artistic. enjoy.

childhood heros

everyone has a childhood hero. someone that they want to be like when they grow up. someone that they hang their hopes on. someone that makes them look forward to actually becoming an adult. for some their hero is a sports star like mickey mantle or Wayne Gretzky. The Boy has a couple of heroes. the most surprising is Red Skelton. but my hero is the incomparable Jim Henson. i have never known life without the muppets. when i was little, i watched sesame street and very vaguely remember the muppet show. i do remember when it was in syndication on nickelodeon. and in college i started collecting the muppet show through a time life subscription. i remember watching the dark crystal at my dad's house on every other weekend and how i wanted a landstrider. i don't remember the reason that my mom made up on why i couldn't have one but i am sure that it was a doozy. i liked them because they looked like giant rabbits. i also wanted a fizzgigg as a pet as well. i distinctly remember going to the movies to watch labyrinth with david bowie, because david bowie became my first movie boyfriend. and don't get me started on the muppet movies. the muppet movie, muppets take Manhattan, the great muppet caper and all of the tv specials.

yesterday, the muppet show season 2 was released and i was practically breaking down the door at target to purchase it. season 1 was released 2 years ago and apparently it has taken this long to get the rights to some of the songs or something. so while i knitted, i lost myself in a world of felt and foam rubber. i hit me, while i was watching, that this show was a complete hit and it was done almost completely with puppets. but the fact that kermit, fozzie and miss piggy have become household names is a bit amazing. every child at some point has come across the muppets in some way. whether it is because of sesame street or any of the movies, you would have to be living under a rock or in some hut in the middle of the ozarks cut of from society for like 50 years, to not know who the muppets are. i was talking to a 16 year old from Venezuela and she knew who kermit was. the muppets are a world wide phenomenon and it's all thanks to jim henson.

it was his ability to express love, joy, magic, mayhem and fun through green felt and a painted ping-pong ball cut in half. i rarely grieve the loss of a famous person. i don't know them personally. it may be sad that they have passed but generally it doesn't deeply effect me. i will never forget the day that my mom told me that jim henson died. she had picked me up from my grandparents home, as i would stay there after school. i was in the 5th grade and it was almost the summer break. it was a hot day. we were driving down the street and she said, "i have something that i have to tell you. i'm sorry but jim henson is dead. he died today." i just looked out of the window at the passing shops and i cried. it felt like i had lost my best friend. not long afterwards, there was a tribute show produced by the jim henson company that gave the muppets a chance to say good bye. i just knew that i would never get a chance to be a muppetteer. it never occurred to me that the muppets would go on without their fearless leader. but soldier on they did. with jim henson's now grown kids taking the helm and steve whitmire (rizzo the rat and wembley the fraggle) as the new voice of kermit, the muppets are up to thier old antics. and now with the craze to put everything on dvd, the old muppet shows are getting brushed up and slapsticked onto disk. i'm in heaven. i still have to get a couple of the films on dvd but i have the storyteller episodes, the 1st and 2nd seasons of both muppet show and fraggle rock. muppet movie, muppets take Manhattan and muppet treasure island (tim curry *sigh*), dark crystal and labyrinth all on dvd. there are just a couple more films to add to the collection. now it seems that there is a fabulous new show on TBS called puppet up. take who's line is it anyway, puree with the muppet show and add a spalsh of smut and you have puppet up. i watched it at work and i thought that i was going to fall out of my chair, i was laughing sooooo hard. my supervisor that i want to hit in the head with my shoe was getting upset because she thought that i was having some kind of breathing problem. i was trying to hold in my laughter and being spectacularly lousy at it.

god, those muppetteers are master artisans. i mean if you look at the old episodes you will see kermit tripping onstage, muppets stand from a seated position and tap dance with gene kelly. you gotta appreciate the talent that it takes to work a puppet, sing a song and do some choreography all at the while running around with your arm in the air and trying to not run into anyone else. i want to do that when i grow up. when i was doing my grad work in london, i posed as a staff person from my school and called the henson company in london. i asked if they had an intern program and if so did they have any opening that i could encourage my students (and by my students, i mean me, myself and i) to apply for. she said that there was some office intern positions open. but nothing in the creature shop. damn. my plan was foiled. i should have applied anyway. at least get my foot in the door.

all in all i want to thank jim henson for all the laughter and silliness that he gave me. thank you for teaching me my letters and about friendship with bert and ernnie. thank you for opening my mind to fantasy with the dark crystal and labyrinth. thank you for shaping my sense of humor and giving me the gift of showmanship and that classic vaudevillian acts are still a pleasure and inspiration. thank you for teaching me that it's not easy being green but it what i want to be. thank you for helping me find the rainbow connection. thank you for giving me a lady role model in miss piggy. but most of all thank you for making my world, my imagination and my life just a little bit brighter because the muppets are there.

celebrity bash haiku

i can't say that i pity her. she has had a copious amount of chances to get on the strait and narrow. i understand that addiction is a bitch but home-slice needs some real help. not promises. that place is a joke. just look at their other "success story", brittney. what she needs is a good stiff jail sentence. not that it did paris that much good, but one can always see the glass half full. i do pity the everyone else in god's green creation, though. family lohan is just too much crazy for this world, or any other, if you ask me. the parents are whacked, the kids... well lets hope that the others learn from their big sis's mistakes and SAY NO TO DRUGS. drugs are bad, m'kay. oh and p.s. lindsey, that whole "those weren't my pants" excuse is right up there with "my alarm didn't go off" and "my dog ate my homework". just thought that you should know :)

God Save The Queen

now, i was as happy as the next person when may 25 finally arrived. there are some handsom men in that film that needed to be seen again. johnny depp -- loved him since eddie scissorhands and damn! he makes one handsome pirate (bad teeth and all), orlando bloom -- as a pirate he started to grow on me but he will always be legolas to me. but it was not these minor addonis's that made me egar to purchace my ticket. it was (heaven help us)...

mr. geoffrey rush. yes i know. barbossa?!? yes. he captured my imagination in shine. made me laugh in shakespeare in love. and seduced me in quills. yes my friends... i'm a weirdo. but it is his acting and care for his craft that is the alluring bit about him. if i want i bit more eye candy i'll turn to...now i think that this is a much nicer view. say hello to mr. ewan mcgregor. i first laid eyes on ewan in a little film called trainspotting. god love him. this man can do no wrong in my eyes. his was heartbreaking in moulin rouge. and though he is no alec guinness, he was the jedi of my heart in the new star wars. funny thing is... i lived tantilizingly close to him when i was living in london. when i worked at the florist, one of my co-workers used to babysit him and is close family friends with his family. the big cat trainers for the lion used in big fish were in a show with me at one of the theatres i once worked. he and i are fated to meet. i figure that one of two things will happen. either i will be sent to jail for causing some public scene and my ass will be slapped with a restraining order or i will make an utter fool of myself by losing all ability of speach and he'll humor me thinking that i am some "speacial" fan of his. my ex was actually jealous of mr. mcgregor. i rented velvet goldmine, in which ewan shows the world "little ewan". after waving his trouser snake at the camera, the ex paused the video and said, "ok. now you've seen it. so who is sexier? me or him?" "i think you are very sexy, honey." "that's not answering the question." " well, he is sexy if you like that sort of guy." "that still is not answering the question. who is sexier: me or him?" at this point i could tell he was becoming visably upset by my deliberate stalling, so i calmly answered, "you are much sexier than ewan mcgregor." (my fingers were totally crossed) he then smiled and said "thank you" and left the room. as soon as his back was turned, i silently yelled at him, "ewan mcgregor is way more sexier than you, you psyco." but as much as i heart ewan, a small piece of that heart belongs to...

mr. robbie williams. this hunk of man left me breathless as i listen to him on my first sojourn across the pond. i had the best picture of him from the british cosmo. he was going camando in some designer trousers with the fly completely undon and bare-chested. good night, loretta. that photo was hot! i had it up in my dorm at college and was told that i couldn't have it back because it was considered pornographic. damn ra's with ther room checks. so i went to the head of campus houseing, who just happened to be the daughter of the head of tech theatre, and got my pic back. thank you very much. but my real movie boyfriend is...

the incomprable mr. gary oldman. despite the fact that he hardly lives through any of his films, it is his eyes that hold me prisoner. you name the film and i will tell you why he is hot in it. and my favorite depends on my mood. i'm looking forward to the new batman movie. which, apparently, you can't swing a dead cat on set and not hit a uuber hot piece of man flesh. christian bale, heath ledger and gary oldman. be still my heart. speaking of the uuber hot...

how excited am i about this film. it has the old burton standards: johnny depp and lady burton herself, helena bonham carter, but also will have mr. alan rickman (loved him in robbin hood and harry potter and dogma) and sacha baron cohen (ali g and julien, the king of the lemurs). i love the show anyway and am interested to see it portrayed on film and who could do the macabe tale justice other than the man who made goth cool, mr. tim burton.

so i guess, after looking at this list of movie crushes, i have to give a shout out to queen elizabeth II. it is her country that gave us most of this list and i tip my crown to you, liz. p.s. i love your hats!

will someone please save these people from themselves

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster. Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do? Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well. Hugh Fenneyman: How? Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

so. i have been involved with theatre since i was a mere 11 year old young lady. (no? well how about a mere 11 year old precocious loud mouth? better? good. let's proceed.) in the copious years of doing everything from performing as a dancing bar wench in a community theatre production of Oliver to stage managing at a regional theatre in florida, i have learned that the above quote from Shakespeare in Love is the most apt description of the art of live theatre. i was once stage managing a doomed production of Mame that was affectionately called Maimed. to start out with, mame was a little long in the tooth but did a fine job, none the less. vera was played by the biggest diva (who had nothing in the acting department to back up her 'tude. honey, i know that you were the shit when you were young and on some tired old soap opera, but now you're a has-been. sorry for the honesty.) who would periodically refuse to enter the stage from her directed blocking. opening night, mame fell down the grand staircase. a couple of nights later, the drugged up chorus boy in drag got his scrotum twisted in his dance belt. the plantation set toppled onto the cast one night. the ASM had a nervous breakdown and fled the show on the river of profanity spewing from his mouth. the various chorus boys cast were either hurt, quit the show or couldn't dance so there was quite a bit lacking in the big Mame song. it was awful, despite all my efforts to pull it off. but at the end of the night, the show still went on and it has since become fodder for "my theatre story is worse than your theatre story".

i am now under the employ of a city government run performing arts hall. here on the suncoast of florida stands the mighty purple cow. may she survive the tempest now a brewin'. i gratefully took a position with the theatre in the box office. technically i am "just" a city employee. i work 30 to 40 hours a week but because the city is cheep, i am filed under part time work. that is so i can't claim benefits. i essentially am a customer service rep. i find tickets for people and solve minor problems with ticket purchases. my customers rang from avid theatre goers that can name the original cast of pajama game and spout off the number of tonys it grabbed, to the poor soul who only wandered in because they won some tickets from some radio station for being able to identify some merle haggerd song. the other day, i took a call from some woman that wanted tickets to johnny cash's ring of fire. (a show that is based on the music of cash. like Mamma Mia! without the glitter and the platform shoes) the poor woman wanted to know if mr cash would be signing autographs after the show. stifling the urge to shout into the phone that her crazy ass would know the answer to that if she ever read a newspaper, i calmly stated, "ma'am, johnny cash is dead. he won't be able to attend the performance. i'm sorry." "whadda mean he's dead? when did this happen? are you sure?" "it was several years ago and yep, i'm sure." "well... i don't want tickets if i don't get to see the real johnny cash." "that's fine with me, ma'am." or, anytime we sell out of something. "i would like to see {insert some touring show in here}." "i'm sorry. we're sold out." "what do you mean, your sold out?" "i mean that there are no tickets left for this show. they have all been sold." " but i didn't get to buy my tickets." " i'm sorry for that (but i'm really not, and i'm actually laughing)." "but what am i going to do?" "i don't know." "can't you ask somebody else if there are any tickets?" "ma'am, these tickets sold out two weeks ago. there aren't any seats left to sell." "but i really wanted to go." i could keep going but i think that you really get the point. or you get the ones that complain that they bought the tickets for Rent and are now complaining that it was too loud and how were they supposed to know that it was a rock opera. it's like taking your 8 year old to see avenue q just because it has puppets. my customers make me laugh, cry, and die a little inside every time i talk to them.

but worse than the idiot customers is the other staff. the acting theatre director has no theatrical background and was some kinda government businessman before his ass was slapped into the captains chair. the daytime box office supervisor is a mental delinquent that has read every Danielle steel book and, again, has not a clue when it comes to theatre. she went to the crazy house once because her fiancee ran off on her and then 2 months later took his sorry ass back. stupid bitch. she also smells funny. not ha ha funny. more... uh oh funny. like stale pal mals and burnt maxwell house. the night manager is some strange creature that is a terminal yuppie/wanna be hippie. with an ethereal, breathy voice she will justify the purchase of a $30 piece of gourmet cheese at whole foods while ambling about in a simi-graceful way that makes me think of a baby heron trying to walk in grass for the first time. this woman spent 2 weeks in The City and refused to go to any broadway shows. for the sake of jebus -- she works in theatre. wait... at a theatre. meanwhile, all i want to do is lob footwear at both of them. i did, once, try to impale the day supe with a pen. i accidentally hit my best friend instead. so i played it off that i was stretching and lost control of the pen. but my friend knew the truth. (i'm sorry again about that pen thing, jess. hope your new glass eye is working out for you. i swear, it looks totally real.)

well, at least i have a job. and it is a pretty good gig overall. one just needs to vent. better here than actually beaning the day supe over the head with a stiletto.

reeling from grief and elation WARNING!!!! HARRY POTTER SPOILERS!!!!

so. it is now the wednesday following the release of the much antici...pated final installment of the harry potter series, harry potter and the deathly hollows. i cried and laughed and basically made a fool of myself as i read the book. i also (fearing that i would hear spoilers) tried not to go anywhere that would put me in contact with any other humans. but after two days of generally steady reading, i finished the tome. and it was great. so that being said... let us examine my predictions and see how i did.

1. Who will die? more like who won't die. jebus! that woman was out for blood when she put pen to paper for this book. surprisingly hagrid survived but only just. i thought that he was done for by the spiders. lupin and tonks were killed in the front lines of battle; which is very upsetting as they just had a son. but since harry is the godfather... he'll take excellent care of the boy. the malfoy's somehow drew the long straw since they were spared. i felt sure that at least lucias would be personally killed by voldy. mr and mrs weasley had a winning hand. although, JK said that arthur was to be killed off by that snake in book 5 and got a 2nd reprieve in this one too. you go, molly weasley! "bitch don't play!" i'm happy that neville not only lived but stood right up to voldy and slayed the snake and then goes on to being a prof at hogwarts. i knew that ginny, ron, hermione and harry would pull through. and i knew that snape, wormtail and voldy would die. (but who didn't know, right?)
2. Will harry go back to hogwarts? totally on the money. he went back to get the horcrux made of ravenclaw's tiara.
3. Relationships? ginny and harry hook up in the end. once ron and hermione get their heads out of their own ass's, they end up together. tonks and lupin are married from the get go and even have a kid. bill and fluer have a lovely wedding that is gate crashed by death eaters. no word on madam pince and filtch but i bet they canoodle at the back of the library after the students have all gone to bed.
4. Deathly Hollows? i wasn't right about it being a place. they actually were the things that can make you the master of death: the elder wand, the resurrection stone and the invisibility cloak. but harry's birthplace does play quite a big role in the book.
5. Was snape good? of coarse. though, i wish he could have died in battle or something spectacular. and he was totally hot for harry's mom, lily.
6. Harry a horcrux? i didn't think that it was possible but there it is. i like how it was handled
7. what are the hocruxs? diary, ring, locket, cup, snake, tiara and harry
8. Where is the locket? i was right that it was taken by mundungus but wrong on who he gave/sold it too. god, that umbridge woman is soooooo evil. i love it!
9. Dumbledore's will? he totally had a will and left stuff to not only harry but ron and hermy too
10. How will harry defeat voldy? i thought that he was a goner when he was hit with the killing curse yet again. but what did i say? harry has it going on. just like the cover of star wars. except with ginny sitting at his feet instead of lea

again, i loved the book. let me know how you liked it. i am going to start reading it again in a couple of days so i can see if i missed anything.

in other news... gary oldman is hot! there i said it. and i feel better for it.

this just in! becks is hot too! i know that this isn't really breaking news but i thought that i would share.

this is a sight that greeted me this morning on the way to work. there is a bright green scrotum hanging there under the licence plate and the text on the window there says "keep 'em swinging". how could i not share this with you. maybe this is the brother/lover of the redneck bad girl.

and now i would like to start a new weekly tradition: Celebrity Bash Haiku. this week i have trained my sights on: Britney Spears

i'm having a slumber party at Jess's house tonight as this is her last night in SRQ before hitting the big time in Arkansas. hope your day is less messy than brit's.

Be still my heart

some people have been waiting for this day for 10 years. i like to think that i have been waiting for about 8 or 9. the end is near and i can practically taste the antici......pation. i, like my dear friend jess, have stopped reading anything online that could even be remotely connected to the harry potter book. i don't want to face any spoilers, as i have waited far too long to READ IT MYSELF. when the film release was looming, i stopped hounding the net for teasers (since i don't have cable, i hadn't seen any teasers for the film and was curious about how it looked.) now that the book is eleven hours from being released i have stuck my head in the sand and completely ostrich-sized myself from most media. 3 months ago i started re-reading all 6 of the other harry potter books. the first three, i read i like a month. after that... i tried to read more slowly. like only in the bathtub. or only at night before i fell asleep. even then, i still had two weeks to go. i tried to pick up other books, but i couldn't concentrate. so i broke down and bought that mugglenet book about what is going to happen. The Boy thinks i'm a bit mad for buying a book that hypothesises what will happen in a book that hasn't been published yet, written by people that aren't affiliated with the publishing of harry potter. they have some fine ideas about what will occur in the final installment. some i agree with. some i don't. i decided that i would go on the record as to what i think will happen and any questions that i want answered.

1. who will die in the last harry potter book? well.... i thought long and hard and i'm afraid that Hagrid won't see the end of the series. a poetic death would be if Norbert the Dragon showed back up and in confusion ate Hargid by mistake. i think that Lupin is safe but all the Malfoy's better watch out. Draco pissed off Voldy by not completing his task. Narssissa defied Voldy by telling Snape about it and Daddy Malfoy let Harry escape in OOTP so Voldy is probably still pissed about that. death, thy name is Malfoy. ma and pa Weasley have a 50/50 chance of survival. i have a feeling that it will be Arthur that bites the big one. Neville might meet his maker while dueling with Belletrix, but i think that he will live. ginny, ron hermione and harry all live. Snape will die. Wormtail will die. Voldemort will die.
2. will harry return to hogwarts? i think so but not to attend school. he will either need the assistance of someone there and go and fetch them or there is a horcrux hidden somewhere at the school and he will need to find it.
3. which relationships will there be? harry + ginny (despite the fact that he tried to break up with her for her protection, she won't let him go) ron + hermione, lupin + tonks, bill + fluer, filtch + madam pince
4. what is the Deathly Hollows? i think that it may be a place. the potter's lived at godric hollow and i think that something about that place was made into a horcrux because not only was it harry's home, it also had something to do with godric gryffendore.
5. is Snape a good guy or a bad guy? good guy. like sirius said, "the world isn't divided into good people and death eaters." i think that he is a good guy that just happens to be a dick. i think that he felt forced to take the unbreakable vow with narssissa to keep up appearances that he is a true death eater. he immediately told dumbledore and dumbledore told him that stopping voldy was more important that anything and that he would take one for the team if he had to. so on orders from dumbledore, snape killed him. i also think that snape will have an important role to play in stopping voldy. he will finally let the facade drop and show his true GOOD colors.
6. is harry a horcrux? no. i don't think so. i don't know why he has such a connection to voldy, but i don't think it is because he is a horcrux.
7. what are the horcruxs? the diary, the ring, the cup, the snake, the locket, and something at godric hollow
8. where is the locket? i think that aberforth, dumbledore's brother, has it. he runs the hog's head and was seen with mundungus fletcher when harry accused fletcher of stealing sirius's stuff. i think that aberforth bought the locket from fletcher intending to hand it over to dumbledore when he got a chance.
9. did dumbledore have a will? i don't know but i would like to see if he did and did harry inherit anything.
10. how will harry defeat voldy? don't know but i do know that it will be a battle royal! voldy has ollivander and is having a new wand made for himself because he doesn't want another wand delima like in OOTP. neville will defeat belletrix. snape will "take a bullet" for harry allowing harry to defeat voldy. wormtail will lead harry to the horcurx or tell him how to finally defeat voldy. but in the end, harry will stand battered and torn but victorious over the crumple form of voldemort. i kind of envision it to look like the cover art for star wars.

i know that i will cry and then re-read so as to really soak it all in. i am going to be at the barns and noble tonight at midnight to buy my book. so no one call me tomorrow, i will be reading. i will reemerge sometime saturday afternoon. when you are done with the book, please do not feel the need to speak to me untill i too have finished. text me if you like, but only tell me that you are done. nothing more. if anyone spoils any part of this book for me... i will find you and i will cut you.

Look what i saw today

i generally keep a weather-eye out for hideous breeches in style and grooming. wal-mart is a perfect place to look at the "best" examples of what not to wear. this weekend, i was reminded that there are many possibilities available at golden coral as well. but this weekend proved to be very plentiful in the amount of white trash vehicles. i was so moved that i thought that i would share. first on our lists of weirdness is this: is it a motorcycle? is it a big wheels tricycle? i don't know. the "gentleman" riding this bastard child of a chopper and a red ryder seemed completely at home on it. dressed in jeans, a tee shirt so faded that it's original color was indiscernible, and a pirate do-rag, he oozed with the self confidence of a lonely model builder that has finally devised a way to ride one of his creations. unfortunately you can't tell from this picture but the wheels have the self spinning rims. next on our cavalcade of curiosities is this little gem:this is the sight that greeted me on sunday morning on my way to breakfast at crackle barrel with The Boy. i had to stop and look at this train wreck. please take the time to notice the bumper that is falling off. also, for your viewing pleasure, the moth eaten curtains of the dead. these funeral shrouds are of a 1970's paisley shaggin-waggon print and are ripped, torn and full of holes. it looks almost like a zombie completely shredded the curtains on this hearse from hell in it's attempt to escape. personally, i like the giant patches of rust speckling the body paint, like open leprous sores. but wait, that's not all... this little beauty was parked next to us at the petsmart.

the eye is naturally drawn to the writing on the windshield that states: "Bad Gurl 4 Lyfe." but not to be missed is the steer horns mounted to the grill. unseen is the back window with a rebel flag tint and the hot pink awareness ribbon that reads "support bad girls". there were just too many items that needed addressing on this... this... horrifying example of white trash on tour. lets explore the highlights, shall we?

Ladies and gentleman... put your hands together for the antenna stripper. this brick house is stacked! with legs to kingdom come and tits you wanna box like suger ray leonard, she is the perfect traveling companion. always ready for a good time, this little lady will shake her money maker every time the wind blows. although her personality is rather plastic, she always up for a dance on your pole. but let's not forget the most important addition to any redneck truck...

there is nothing like genderizing one's vehicle. normally, the custom is to refer to a drivable object as "she". but this truck is all male. i was getting into my scrotumless truck and thought to myself, " if this truck is decorated with all this other crap, i bet it all balls too." and damn if i was right. in order to not take a pic of the tags, i didn't get the horse head hitch cover in the shot, but i think you are starting to get the gist of this trucks owner. speaking of the owner, she came out of her gym class and i quickly took this picture:

shit... i hope i'm that limber when i'm pushing 1,000. i also was able to get a lovely photo of what not to knit. fun fur is wonderful to use as an accessory and/or trim to a garment. but this... it's like she has a g-d tribble perched precariously atop her noggin.

yes, craft store lady. hang your head in shame. no more rainbow fun fur for you. you can't be trusted.

wizard duels and stuff

so i totally loved the new harry potter movie. as an avid harry potterphile, i was somewhat disappointed in the poetic licence taken by the scriptwrights but overall it was a fine film. most of you that will read this will have already seen the film or don't really care what harry potter is, was or will be. but for those of you that didn't see it yet and do plan to, be warned.... there are spoilers ahead.

as said in prior post, i love gary oldman and once again he didn't disappoint. Dudley was kinda pushing the homo envelope and he can really hussle for a big guy. but i liked the cinematography of the dementor attack. the new dementors were pretty scary and i like the origanl dementors better but these were really good. i really liked the new patronus. the one in POA was dumb. just a bunch of shiny light. this patronus actually looked like a stag. there was quite a bit of condensing to explain how The Order gets harry out and he is informed about the hearing but i was willing to let that slide. tonks isn't what i thought she would look like but i liked her just the same. i thought it was neat how they turned her hair red when she got mad. in my oppinion, there wasn't enough of gary oldman. i wanted the painting of mrs. black to be more... in the movie. the kid playing draco still can't act. shame. you would think that after 5 movies he would have gotten the hang of it now. i missed dolby's involvement and totally disliked that cho chang gave away the DA. the kiss was... much more intense than i thought it would be. i really wanted to see st mungos but they covered themselves with nevil telling harry what was up with is folks. and i loooooooved nevil's moxie when he threatened belletrix. helena was fab as belletrix. kind of a hot mess. a hot crazy mess. always nice to see mr malfoy. i love him for his evil ways. and i can't stress enough how great umbridge was. god, i wanted to slap her from the first tittering giggle to the last panicked scream. and when she slapped harry... welll... as the lady sitting behind me loudly exclaimed, "oh, no she didn't!" oh, no she didn't, indeed. the fake dumbledor did a fine job but he is no richard harris and never will be. it was uuber cool when The Order was white smoke and the Death Eaters were black smoke. i cried over sirius. gary made the death look hot. but he has had lots of practice with dying on screen (see privious post) so overall, it was wonderful and that is all i can say. i'm gonna see it again. and then nit pick it when it is on dvd.

as i was thinking about the wizard duel, i decided to list some of my favorite wizard duels of all time:

10. Mickey vs. The Brooms in Fantaisa. despite the fact that the brooms totally swept the floor with mickey (sorry for the pun), mickey look hot controling the elements

9. Snape vs. Lockheart. watching lockheart totally getting spanked by snape in COS, made me laugh

8. Maleficent vs. Flora, Fauna and Merryweather. the 3 good fairys are more proactive in helping prince phillip than actually stopping the big scary dragon fairy but it's a well played fight.

7. Elphaba vs. Glinda in wicked. i know that they don't "fight" but they do have dueling singing in the song "lothing". you gotta admit, that is one impassioned song.

6. Miracle Max vs. Valerie in the princess bride. neither carol kane nor billy crystle can do no wrong. their argueing is the best part of that movie (except maybe fezik's rhyming)

5. Ursula vs. King Triton. really this is all about ursula being the best baddie ever.

4. Merlin vs. Mad Madam Mim. i liked it when they turned into animals and he defeted her by turning into a germ and making her sick. well played, merlin. well played.

3. The Order vs. The Death Eaters. so much action. visually beautiful. had me on the edge of my seat.

2. Gandolf vs. Sauruman. i liked it when they were beating each other about the face with magic

1. Dumbledor vs. Voldemort. this was truely the best fight ever. the fire and the water and the glass and the sand and the lightening. love it. love it. love it.

yeah!!!! it's harry potter day!!!

today is the day! well, last night at midnight was actually the day. i have had this premiere on my calender for months. ok, yeah, i'm a big fat nerd. but i don't care.

i was very lucky to have been in London for the premiere of the first harry potter film. and i actually was in a preview audience for it. i was killing some time before i had to be at the theatre that night for a show that i was stage managing and happened across a bunch of people in line at the cinema. "what are you waiting for?" i asked. "harry potter." now as a huge fan of the books i got in line as well and enjoyed the film completely. so when i got to the theatre that night, i was the most popular girl in school because i got to see the movie before anyone else.

now, i have gone to every film opening at the midnight showing until this one. i foolishly didn't take off work and had to be there this moring. but after work... i am totally going. Order of the Phoenix is one of my favorite books (i even have my hardcover autographed by the illustrator.) so i have had some high expectations for this movie. plus Sirius Black is one of my very favorite characters, played by one of my very favorite actors -- gary oldman. he's my movie boyfriend. i really don't want to see my movie boyfriend die in yet another movie. Gary Oldman, please for the love of god, pick a role that doesn't lead to the charactors untimely death. Just once, Gary, i want to see you live! that is all i ask. in rosencrantz you were hung; in 5th element you were blown up; in imortal beloved you died within the 1st five minutes (although the whole film was a memory film), in dracula you were stabed by a bad actress through the heart; and now with sirius you're gonna fall through some mysterious whispering vail. my heart can't take much more. i know that i will cry, so i plan to wear my waterproof mascara. p.s. gary oldman, you look uuber hot with those tattoos on your chest as Sirius.

yes. i will also be attending the harry potter party for the next book but i shall blog on the book later.

reality vs. illusion

i love my mom. she is the picture of grace and loveliness that most women aspire to. she also has one of the sickest sense of humor and i blame her for my fragil mental state.

let me explain. in the arts (theatre, dance, art, lit, film) there is something called the suspention of disbelife. this is how the "magic" of the cinema/stage/whatever happens. we (the audience/reader/whatever) allows ourselves to "believe" that what is happening is real. for example... Finding Nemo. there are no talking fish; fish don't have eyelids; no father fish would swim halfway across the ocean to find his son; puffer fish would have eaten the other fish in that tank; not all drains lead to the ocean; and in all my months of hand feeding pelicans, have i ever seen a pelican that won't at least try to eat a fish that is put in it's mouth. the only things that i could say were realistic are that clown fish really aren't funny and that seagulls probably really are saying "mine." but we the audience choose to believe all these things and enjoy a fine pixar film.

why, you may ask, did i have to go through all that? and what about my mama and my mental state? well... last night The Boy and i were watching Clash of the Titans. wonderful film. thank you mr harryhousen! and i got to thinking about the first time that i watched it with my mom. i distinctly remember turning to her (mind you, i was like 5 years old at the time) and asking her if i could have the pegasus. she looked down at me with all the love of the world in her eyes and said, "no, you know that i am allergic to horses. besides, we live in a townhome. where would he live?" i'm sure that she thought that she was being very funny at the time. notice that she didn't say, "no, you stupid kid, it's not real." another time, we were watching Star Wars Empire Strikes Back. i asked if i could have a Ton Ton (that half ram, half furry dinosaur looking thing on the ice planet). i wanted one because han solo had one, and if it was good enough for han, it was good enough for me. anyway, again my mom (the picture sweetness and apple pie) said, "i don't think you can have a ton ton. they live on the ice planet and we live in texas. it would be far too hot for them." she also gave the the bologna about us living in a townhome and not having a place to keep it. does anyone else see a trend here? every mytical creature i would want as a pet, i was told the same thing. not that they weren't real but some excuse for not being able to keep it. so well into my childhood, i still thought that they were actual animals that could be owned under the right condtions. i remember making a golden bridle out of yarn and sitting in the yard for hours trying to lure a unicorn to me. or watching my grandmothers azalea bushes for signs of fairies.

but i guess it isn't all bad. i have a great imagination that i try to put to good use daily. cast members love when i am in the audience of a show because i am completely willing to get totally into the action of the play. The Boy gets a kick out of watching me watch movies (i.e. cry alot at the sad parts). so i figure that i will thank her next time i talk to her, although i have a feeling that she is still laughign about the time she said that i couldn't have a dragon because our house was a wooden house and the dragon would probably burn it down. damn, sicko lady.