regrets

regret is a funny thing. it sneaks up on you unawares, at times, and makes you remember. remembering isn't so bad as regret; it's the remembering of things best left forgotten that is waring on the soul. as with most people, i have many regrets in my life. i really try not to dwell on these things as i tend to beat myself up about issues, whether i am at fault or not. it's just in my nature; it's who i am. i think that this trait is what gives me the deep seeded desire to please people and make people happy.

the last few weeks have been heavy on my heart and maybe the venting/musing/addressing of these things will help lift this burden. there are so many things that i regret doing and, transversely, not doing. it's the things that are unsaid and the things that should never have been said. i regret marrying my ex-husband. i suppose that i will always have the bruises and scars that he left on me, despite the fact that the physical evidence of abuse have long since healed. i thought that i was supposed to "wait until marriage". that was what the preacher said. "wait until marriage". my ex told me that the only reason he asked me to marry him was so that i would have sex with him. he told me this a year and a half into our marriage. ass. and i was a fool. a young, naive fool who thought that if she tried harder and loved stronger, then her marriage would work out. love has to go both ways, and there came a point where i couldn't give anymore, for i had nothing left to give. i grew to fear him and i hated him and i regret that i didn't get myself out of that situation sooner.

i regret going to college straight out of high school. my senior year of high school was when i looked my best (in my humble opinion). i was a mere size 10 and i was singing and dancing everyday. true, by attending college, i gained valuable stage technique and i learned a great deal about my craft, but i looked hot coming out of high school and looks are what count in this business. no one truly knows how hard i have had to work at loosing the 50 or so pounds which i lost this year. and sometimes i feel that if i had gone straight to NYC, perhaps... well... maybe things would be different for me. maybe not better, but definitely different.

i have some other regrets that are a little too fresh and the wound is still a little too raw to delve into at this time. there was recently a moment that i should have taken action. there were words that should have been said, but the moment has long past and all i am left with are "what if's". i know in my heart of hearts that i missed my opportunity and that knowledge has carved a small hole within. some days, i barely notice that the hole is there. it's as if the what if's and maybe's have been blown away like puffs of smoke. but then i face the days where i am all to aware of my regret and it feels like there is a bruise on my heart. hearts break and mend every day and i know that there will come a day when the memory is no longer tender to the touch. until that day, i will soldier on as best i can. mending and slowly forgetting.

they say that the best thing about regret is that it is never too late. this is true. unfortunately, fear creates a wall that is sometimes to difficult to overcome. fear can be a paralyzing force that will hinder every choice you are faced with. so essentially, regret is fear. at the base of most of my regret is the element of fear. well, except the regret i have about not buy a certain pair of shoes. god, i should have bought those shoes. but most everything else is tinged with fear. i was afraid of failure, so i didn't go to NYC. i was afraid of rejection, so i never told him that i loved him. i was afraid of ridicule, so i went along with the crowd, knowing that they were wrong. you see, crippling fear will best the strongest of us. my only hope is to take what i have learned and stand up and proudly be just me. and if i don't fear the outcome, i shall never again feel the pangs of regret because at least i tried. i loved. i experienced. and i did it all completely and whole heartedly. live. life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death.

the blues

i like the blues. always have. i love to listen to those smokey standards sung in a dimly lit bar by a beautiful woman lounging on a piano in a sparkling gown. i have never been one to write songs. i wrote bad emo poetry back in high school, before there was such a thing as emo, but i never felt like i could write song lyrics. and god help me, every time i tried to write music, it would come out sounding like everything i do, i do it for you. this is my shame. i will sing you every song from every musical i have ever seen but i can't write it myself.

well tonight is the night. i got the inspiration to write these lyrics while at work and wrote it down as soon as i got home. just remember that this is a first draft and i've never written a song before. so, please, be gentle. also picture me singing it in a seedy bar filled with a blue smokey haze in a sparkling gown, lounging across a piano

i am not that girl by tat2kitten

my longing could fill the sea
with just one glance at me
you melt my willing soul

my hope could soar above
if i could feel your love
your heart's an unreachable goal

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and fear
but i am not the girl

my dreams reach out for you
my heart is broken in two
cause i want you in my life

like a moth drawn to the flame
my desire does the same
you burn me with your eyes

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to feel the touch of your skin
why won't you let me in?
cause i am not the girl

confuse me
abuse me
enslave me
only your love can save me

but i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and your fear
but i am not the girl
to feel the touch of your skin
baby, please let me in
oh no
i am not the girl

Little Wonders

there are times, and i think that i can speak for most people, that i am overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated, under valued and simply downtrodden. hopefully not all at once... but there are those times when you feel that your essence is sapped from you and you wonder how you can keep your head above water. some people turn to their distraction of choice, be it drugs, drink, cigars ;) chocolate or any other external substance that will make it all better. my chocolate is sitting next to me at the moment. some people will exercise their blues away. not me buddy. i'm too lazy for that. i, personally, simply like to be held -- even for just a moment. i sometimes think that i don't get enough of that. isn't it funny, the things that one ends up compromising in relationships.

anyway. there is a great song, one of my favorites, called Little Wonders by Rob Thomas. it was the featured song in the film Meet the Robinsons by Disney. Rob Thomas said that he wrote it after watching his dog enjoying the wind blowing in its face while they walked in the park. there is a lesson to be learned from that little dog. enjoy the simple pleasures of life. the sun warming your skin. the smell of newly opened blossoms. the sound of a cat's purr. the things that we take for granted in life which are tiny gifts for us to enjoy, they are what make life worth living.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain