celebrity bash haiku

i can't say that i pity her. she has had a copious amount of chances to get on the strait and narrow. i understand that addiction is a bitch but home-slice needs some real help. not promises. that place is a joke. just look at their other "success story", brittney. what she needs is a good stiff jail sentence. not that it did paris that much good, but one can always see the glass half full. i do pity the everyone else in god's green creation, though. family lohan is just too much crazy for this world, or any other, if you ask me. the parents are whacked, the kids... well lets hope that the others learn from their big sis's mistakes and SAY NO TO DRUGS. drugs are bad, m'kay. oh and p.s. lindsey, that whole "those weren't my pants" excuse is right up there with "my alarm didn't go off" and "my dog ate my homework". just thought that you should know :)

God Save The Queen

now, i was as happy as the next person when may 25 finally arrived. there are some handsom men in that film that needed to be seen again. johnny depp -- loved him since eddie scissorhands and damn! he makes one handsome pirate (bad teeth and all), orlando bloom -- as a pirate he started to grow on me but he will always be legolas to me. but it was not these minor addonis's that made me egar to purchace my ticket. it was (heaven help us)...

mr. geoffrey rush. yes i know. barbossa?!? yes. he captured my imagination in shine. made me laugh in shakespeare in love. and seduced me in quills. yes my friends... i'm a weirdo. but it is his acting and care for his craft that is the alluring bit about him. if i want i bit more eye candy i'll turn to...now i think that this is a much nicer view. say hello to mr. ewan mcgregor. i first laid eyes on ewan in a little film called trainspotting. god love him. this man can do no wrong in my eyes. his was heartbreaking in moulin rouge. and though he is no alec guinness, he was the jedi of my heart in the new star wars. funny thing is... i lived tantilizingly close to him when i was living in london. when i worked at the florist, one of my co-workers used to babysit him and is close family friends with his family. the big cat trainers for the lion used in big fish were in a show with me at one of the theatres i once worked. he and i are fated to meet. i figure that one of two things will happen. either i will be sent to jail for causing some public scene and my ass will be slapped with a restraining order or i will make an utter fool of myself by losing all ability of speach and he'll humor me thinking that i am some "speacial" fan of his. my ex was actually jealous of mr. mcgregor. i rented velvet goldmine, in which ewan shows the world "little ewan". after waving his trouser snake at the camera, the ex paused the video and said, "ok. now you've seen it. so who is sexier? me or him?" "i think you are very sexy, honey." "that's not answering the question." " well, he is sexy if you like that sort of guy." "that still is not answering the question. who is sexier: me or him?" at this point i could tell he was becoming visably upset by my deliberate stalling, so i calmly answered, "you are much sexier than ewan mcgregor." (my fingers were totally crossed) he then smiled and said "thank you" and left the room. as soon as his back was turned, i silently yelled at him, "ewan mcgregor is way more sexier than you, you psyco." but as much as i heart ewan, a small piece of that heart belongs to...

mr. robbie williams. this hunk of man left me breathless as i listen to him on my first sojourn across the pond. i had the best picture of him from the british cosmo. he was going camando in some designer trousers with the fly completely undon and bare-chested. good night, loretta. that photo was hot! i had it up in my dorm at college and was told that i couldn't have it back because it was considered pornographic. damn ra's with ther room checks. so i went to the head of campus houseing, who just happened to be the daughter of the head of tech theatre, and got my pic back. thank you very much. but my real movie boyfriend is...

the incomprable mr. gary oldman. despite the fact that he hardly lives through any of his films, it is his eyes that hold me prisoner. you name the film and i will tell you why he is hot in it. and my favorite depends on my mood. i'm looking forward to the new batman movie. which, apparently, you can't swing a dead cat on set and not hit a uuber hot piece of man flesh. christian bale, heath ledger and gary oldman. be still my heart. speaking of the uuber hot...

how excited am i about this film. it has the old burton standards: johnny depp and lady burton herself, helena bonham carter, but also will have mr. alan rickman (loved him in robbin hood and harry potter and dogma) and sacha baron cohen (ali g and julien, the king of the lemurs). i love the show anyway and am interested to see it portrayed on film and who could do the macabe tale justice other than the man who made goth cool, mr. tim burton.

so i guess, after looking at this list of movie crushes, i have to give a shout out to queen elizabeth II. it is her country that gave us most of this list and i tip my crown to you, liz. p.s. i love your hats!

will someone please save these people from themselves

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster. Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do? Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well. Hugh Fenneyman: How? Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

so. i have been involved with theatre since i was a mere 11 year old young lady. (no? well how about a mere 11 year old precocious loud mouth? better? good. let's proceed.) in the copious years of doing everything from performing as a dancing bar wench in a community theatre production of Oliver to stage managing at a regional theatre in florida, i have learned that the above quote from Shakespeare in Love is the most apt description of the art of live theatre. i was once stage managing a doomed production of Mame that was affectionately called Maimed. to start out with, mame was a little long in the tooth but did a fine job, none the less. vera was played by the biggest diva (who had nothing in the acting department to back up her 'tude. honey, i know that you were the shit when you were young and on some tired old soap opera, but now you're a has-been. sorry for the honesty.) who would periodically refuse to enter the stage from her directed blocking. opening night, mame fell down the grand staircase. a couple of nights later, the drugged up chorus boy in drag got his scrotum twisted in his dance belt. the plantation set toppled onto the cast one night. the ASM had a nervous breakdown and fled the show on the river of profanity spewing from his mouth. the various chorus boys cast were either hurt, quit the show or couldn't dance so there was quite a bit lacking in the big Mame song. it was awful, despite all my efforts to pull it off. but at the end of the night, the show still went on and it has since become fodder for "my theatre story is worse than your theatre story".

i am now under the employ of a city government run performing arts hall. here on the suncoast of florida stands the mighty purple cow. may she survive the tempest now a brewin'. i gratefully took a position with the theatre in the box office. technically i am "just" a city employee. i work 30 to 40 hours a week but because the city is cheep, i am filed under part time work. that is so i can't claim benefits. i essentially am a customer service rep. i find tickets for people and solve minor problems with ticket purchases. my customers rang from avid theatre goers that can name the original cast of pajama game and spout off the number of tonys it grabbed, to the poor soul who only wandered in because they won some tickets from some radio station for being able to identify some merle haggerd song. the other day, i took a call from some woman that wanted tickets to johnny cash's ring of fire. (a show that is based on the music of cash. like Mamma Mia! without the glitter and the platform shoes) the poor woman wanted to know if mr cash would be signing autographs after the show. stifling the urge to shout into the phone that her crazy ass would know the answer to that if she ever read a newspaper, i calmly stated, "ma'am, johnny cash is dead. he won't be able to attend the performance. i'm sorry." "whadda mean he's dead? when did this happen? are you sure?" "it was several years ago and yep, i'm sure." "well... i don't want tickets if i don't get to see the real johnny cash." "that's fine with me, ma'am." or, anytime we sell out of something. "i would like to see {insert some touring show in here}." "i'm sorry. we're sold out." "what do you mean, your sold out?" "i mean that there are no tickets left for this show. they have all been sold." " but i didn't get to buy my tickets." " i'm sorry for that (but i'm really not, and i'm actually laughing)." "but what am i going to do?" "i don't know." "can't you ask somebody else if there are any tickets?" "ma'am, these tickets sold out two weeks ago. there aren't any seats left to sell." "but i really wanted to go." i could keep going but i think that you really get the point. or you get the ones that complain that they bought the tickets for Rent and are now complaining that it was too loud and how were they supposed to know that it was a rock opera. it's like taking your 8 year old to see avenue q just because it has puppets. my customers make me laugh, cry, and die a little inside every time i talk to them.

but worse than the idiot customers is the other staff. the acting theatre director has no theatrical background and was some kinda government businessman before his ass was slapped into the captains chair. the daytime box office supervisor is a mental delinquent that has read every Danielle steel book and, again, has not a clue when it comes to theatre. she went to the crazy house once because her fiancee ran off on her and then 2 months later took his sorry ass back. stupid bitch. she also smells funny. not ha ha funny. more... uh oh funny. like stale pal mals and burnt maxwell house. the night manager is some strange creature that is a terminal yuppie/wanna be hippie. with an ethereal, breathy voice she will justify the purchase of a $30 piece of gourmet cheese at whole foods while ambling about in a simi-graceful way that makes me think of a baby heron trying to walk in grass for the first time. this woman spent 2 weeks in The City and refused to go to any broadway shows. for the sake of jebus -- she works in theatre. wait... at a theatre. meanwhile, all i want to do is lob footwear at both of them. i did, once, try to impale the day supe with a pen. i accidentally hit my best friend instead. so i played it off that i was stretching and lost control of the pen. but my friend knew the truth. (i'm sorry again about that pen thing, jess. hope your new glass eye is working out for you. i swear, it looks totally real.)

well, at least i have a job. and it is a pretty good gig overall. one just needs to vent. better here than actually beaning the day supe over the head with a stiletto.

reeling from grief and elation WARNING!!!! HARRY POTTER SPOILERS!!!!

so. it is now the wednesday following the release of the much antici...pated final installment of the harry potter series, harry potter and the deathly hollows. i cried and laughed and basically made a fool of myself as i read the book. i also (fearing that i would hear spoilers) tried not to go anywhere that would put me in contact with any other humans. but after two days of generally steady reading, i finished the tome. and it was great. so that being said... let us examine my predictions and see how i did.

1. Who will die? more like who won't die. jebus! that woman was out for blood when she put pen to paper for this book. surprisingly hagrid survived but only just. i thought that he was done for by the spiders. lupin and tonks were killed in the front lines of battle; which is very upsetting as they just had a son. but since harry is the godfather... he'll take excellent care of the boy. the malfoy's somehow drew the long straw since they were spared. i felt sure that at least lucias would be personally killed by voldy. mr and mrs weasley had a winning hand. although, JK said that arthur was to be killed off by that snake in book 5 and got a 2nd reprieve in this one too. you go, molly weasley! "bitch don't play!" i'm happy that neville not only lived but stood right up to voldy and slayed the snake and then goes on to being a prof at hogwarts. i knew that ginny, ron, hermione and harry would pull through. and i knew that snape, wormtail and voldy would die. (but who didn't know, right?)
2. Will harry go back to hogwarts? totally on the money. he went back to get the horcrux made of ravenclaw's tiara.
3. Relationships? ginny and harry hook up in the end. once ron and hermione get their heads out of their own ass's, they end up together. tonks and lupin are married from the get go and even have a kid. bill and fluer have a lovely wedding that is gate crashed by death eaters. no word on madam pince and filtch but i bet they canoodle at the back of the library after the students have all gone to bed.
4. Deathly Hollows? i wasn't right about it being a place. they actually were the things that can make you the master of death: the elder wand, the resurrection stone and the invisibility cloak. but harry's birthplace does play quite a big role in the book.
5. Was snape good? of coarse. though, i wish he could have died in battle or something spectacular. and he was totally hot for harry's mom, lily.
6. Harry a horcrux? i didn't think that it was possible but there it is. i like how it was handled
7. what are the hocruxs? diary, ring, locket, cup, snake, tiara and harry
8. Where is the locket? i was right that it was taken by mundungus but wrong on who he gave/sold it too. god, that umbridge woman is soooooo evil. i love it!
9. Dumbledore's will? he totally had a will and left stuff to not only harry but ron and hermy too
10. How will harry defeat voldy? i thought that he was a goner when he was hit with the killing curse yet again. but what did i say? harry has it going on. just like the cover of star wars. except with ginny sitting at his feet instead of lea

again, i loved the book. let me know how you liked it. i am going to start reading it again in a couple of days so i can see if i missed anything.

in other news... gary oldman is hot! there i said it. and i feel better for it.

this just in! becks is hot too! i know that this isn't really breaking news but i thought that i would share.

this is a sight that greeted me this morning on the way to work. there is a bright green scrotum hanging there under the licence plate and the text on the window there says "keep 'em swinging". how could i not share this with you. maybe this is the brother/lover of the redneck bad girl.

and now i would like to start a new weekly tradition: Celebrity Bash Haiku. this week i have trained my sights on: Britney Spears

i'm having a slumber party at Jess's house tonight as this is her last night in SRQ before hitting the big time in Arkansas. hope your day is less messy than brit's.

Be still my heart

some people have been waiting for this day for 10 years. i like to think that i have been waiting for about 8 or 9. the end is near and i can practically taste the antici......pation. i, like my dear friend jess, have stopped reading anything online that could even be remotely connected to the harry potter book. i don't want to face any spoilers, as i have waited far too long to READ IT MYSELF. when the film release was looming, i stopped hounding the net for teasers (since i don't have cable, i hadn't seen any teasers for the film and was curious about how it looked.) now that the book is eleven hours from being released i have stuck my head in the sand and completely ostrich-sized myself from most media. 3 months ago i started re-reading all 6 of the other harry potter books. the first three, i read i like a month. after that... i tried to read more slowly. like only in the bathtub. or only at night before i fell asleep. even then, i still had two weeks to go. i tried to pick up other books, but i couldn't concentrate. so i broke down and bought that mugglenet book about what is going to happen. The Boy thinks i'm a bit mad for buying a book that hypothesises what will happen in a book that hasn't been published yet, written by people that aren't affiliated with the publishing of harry potter. they have some fine ideas about what will occur in the final installment. some i agree with. some i don't. i decided that i would go on the record as to what i think will happen and any questions that i want answered.

1. who will die in the last harry potter book? well.... i thought long and hard and i'm afraid that Hagrid won't see the end of the series. a poetic death would be if Norbert the Dragon showed back up and in confusion ate Hargid by mistake. i think that Lupin is safe but all the Malfoy's better watch out. Draco pissed off Voldy by not completing his task. Narssissa defied Voldy by telling Snape about it and Daddy Malfoy let Harry escape in OOTP so Voldy is probably still pissed about that. death, thy name is Malfoy. ma and pa Weasley have a 50/50 chance of survival. i have a feeling that it will be Arthur that bites the big one. Neville might meet his maker while dueling with Belletrix, but i think that he will live. ginny, ron hermione and harry all live. Snape will die. Wormtail will die. Voldemort will die.
2. will harry return to hogwarts? i think so but not to attend school. he will either need the assistance of someone there and go and fetch them or there is a horcrux hidden somewhere at the school and he will need to find it.
3. which relationships will there be? harry + ginny (despite the fact that he tried to break up with her for her protection, she won't let him go) ron + hermione, lupin + tonks, bill + fluer, filtch + madam pince
4. what is the Deathly Hollows? i think that it may be a place. the potter's lived at godric hollow and i think that something about that place was made into a horcrux because not only was it harry's home, it also had something to do with godric gryffendore.
5. is Snape a good guy or a bad guy? good guy. like sirius said, "the world isn't divided into good people and death eaters." i think that he is a good guy that just happens to be a dick. i think that he felt forced to take the unbreakable vow with narssissa to keep up appearances that he is a true death eater. he immediately told dumbledore and dumbledore told him that stopping voldy was more important that anything and that he would take one for the team if he had to. so on orders from dumbledore, snape killed him. i also think that snape will have an important role to play in stopping voldy. he will finally let the facade drop and show his true GOOD colors.
6. is harry a horcrux? no. i don't think so. i don't know why he has such a connection to voldy, but i don't think it is because he is a horcrux.
7. what are the horcruxs? the diary, the ring, the cup, the snake, the locket, and something at godric hollow
8. where is the locket? i think that aberforth, dumbledore's brother, has it. he runs the hog's head and was seen with mundungus fletcher when harry accused fletcher of stealing sirius's stuff. i think that aberforth bought the locket from fletcher intending to hand it over to dumbledore when he got a chance.
9. did dumbledore have a will? i don't know but i would like to see if he did and did harry inherit anything.
10. how will harry defeat voldy? don't know but i do know that it will be a battle royal! voldy has ollivander and is having a new wand made for himself because he doesn't want another wand delima like in OOTP. neville will defeat belletrix. snape will "take a bullet" for harry allowing harry to defeat voldy. wormtail will lead harry to the horcurx or tell him how to finally defeat voldy. but in the end, harry will stand battered and torn but victorious over the crumple form of voldemort. i kind of envision it to look like the cover art for star wars.

i know that i will cry and then re-read so as to really soak it all in. i am going to be at the barns and noble tonight at midnight to buy my book. so no one call me tomorrow, i will be reading. i will reemerge sometime saturday afternoon. when you are done with the book, please do not feel the need to speak to me untill i too have finished. text me if you like, but only tell me that you are done. nothing more. if anyone spoils any part of this book for me... i will find you and i will cut you.

Look what i saw today

i generally keep a weather-eye out for hideous breeches in style and grooming. wal-mart is a perfect place to look at the "best" examples of what not to wear. this weekend, i was reminded that there are many possibilities available at golden coral as well. but this weekend proved to be very plentiful in the amount of white trash vehicles. i was so moved that i thought that i would share. first on our lists of weirdness is this: is it a motorcycle? is it a big wheels tricycle? i don't know. the "gentleman" riding this bastard child of a chopper and a red ryder seemed completely at home on it. dressed in jeans, a tee shirt so faded that it's original color was indiscernible, and a pirate do-rag, he oozed with the self confidence of a lonely model builder that has finally devised a way to ride one of his creations. unfortunately you can't tell from this picture but the wheels have the self spinning rims. next on our cavalcade of curiosities is this little gem:this is the sight that greeted me on sunday morning on my way to breakfast at crackle barrel with The Boy. i had to stop and look at this train wreck. please take the time to notice the bumper that is falling off. also, for your viewing pleasure, the moth eaten curtains of the dead. these funeral shrouds are of a 1970's paisley shaggin-waggon print and are ripped, torn and full of holes. it looks almost like a zombie completely shredded the curtains on this hearse from hell in it's attempt to escape. personally, i like the giant patches of rust speckling the body paint, like open leprous sores. but wait, that's not all... this little beauty was parked next to us at the petsmart.

the eye is naturally drawn to the writing on the windshield that states: "Bad Gurl 4 Lyfe." but not to be missed is the steer horns mounted to the grill. unseen is the back window with a rebel flag tint and the hot pink awareness ribbon that reads "support bad girls". there were just too many items that needed addressing on this... this... horrifying example of white trash on tour. lets explore the highlights, shall we?

Ladies and gentleman... put your hands together for the antenna stripper. this brick house is stacked! with legs to kingdom come and tits you wanna box like suger ray leonard, she is the perfect traveling companion. always ready for a good time, this little lady will shake her money maker every time the wind blows. although her personality is rather plastic, she always up for a dance on your pole. but let's not forget the most important addition to any redneck truck...

there is nothing like genderizing one's vehicle. normally, the custom is to refer to a drivable object as "she". but this truck is all male. i was getting into my scrotumless truck and thought to myself, " if this truck is decorated with all this other crap, i bet it all balls too." and damn if i was right. in order to not take a pic of the tags, i didn't get the horse head hitch cover in the shot, but i think you are starting to get the gist of this trucks owner. speaking of the owner, she came out of her gym class and i quickly took this picture:

shit... i hope i'm that limber when i'm pushing 1,000. i also was able to get a lovely photo of what not to knit. fun fur is wonderful to use as an accessory and/or trim to a garment. but this... it's like she has a g-d tribble perched precariously atop her noggin.

yes, craft store lady. hang your head in shame. no more rainbow fun fur for you. you can't be trusted.

wizard duels and stuff

so i totally loved the new harry potter movie. as an avid harry potterphile, i was somewhat disappointed in the poetic licence taken by the scriptwrights but overall it was a fine film. most of you that will read this will have already seen the film or don't really care what harry potter is, was or will be. but for those of you that didn't see it yet and do plan to, be warned.... there are spoilers ahead.

as said in prior post, i love gary oldman and once again he didn't disappoint. Dudley was kinda pushing the homo envelope and he can really hussle for a big guy. but i liked the cinematography of the dementor attack. the new dementors were pretty scary and i like the origanl dementors better but these were really good. i really liked the new patronus. the one in POA was dumb. just a bunch of shiny light. this patronus actually looked like a stag. there was quite a bit of condensing to explain how The Order gets harry out and he is informed about the hearing but i was willing to let that slide. tonks isn't what i thought she would look like but i liked her just the same. i thought it was neat how they turned her hair red when she got mad. in my oppinion, there wasn't enough of gary oldman. i wanted the painting of mrs. black to be more... in the movie. the kid playing draco still can't act. shame. you would think that after 5 movies he would have gotten the hang of it now. i missed dolby's involvement and totally disliked that cho chang gave away the DA. the kiss was... much more intense than i thought it would be. i really wanted to see st mungos but they covered themselves with nevil telling harry what was up with is folks. and i loooooooved nevil's moxie when he threatened belletrix. helena was fab as belletrix. kind of a hot mess. a hot crazy mess. always nice to see mr malfoy. i love him for his evil ways. and i can't stress enough how great umbridge was. god, i wanted to slap her from the first tittering giggle to the last panicked scream. and when she slapped harry... welll... as the lady sitting behind me loudly exclaimed, "oh, no she didn't!" oh, no she didn't, indeed. the fake dumbledor did a fine job but he is no richard harris and never will be. it was uuber cool when The Order was white smoke and the Death Eaters were black smoke. i cried over sirius. gary made the death look hot. but he has had lots of practice with dying on screen (see privious post) so overall, it was wonderful and that is all i can say. i'm gonna see it again. and then nit pick it when it is on dvd.

as i was thinking about the wizard duel, i decided to list some of my favorite wizard duels of all time:

10. Mickey vs. The Brooms in Fantaisa. despite the fact that the brooms totally swept the floor with mickey (sorry for the pun), mickey look hot controling the elements

9. Snape vs. Lockheart. watching lockheart totally getting spanked by snape in COS, made me laugh

8. Maleficent vs. Flora, Fauna and Merryweather. the 3 good fairys are more proactive in helping prince phillip than actually stopping the big scary dragon fairy but it's a well played fight.

7. Elphaba vs. Glinda in wicked. i know that they don't "fight" but they do have dueling singing in the song "lothing". you gotta admit, that is one impassioned song.

6. Miracle Max vs. Valerie in the princess bride. neither carol kane nor billy crystle can do no wrong. their argueing is the best part of that movie (except maybe fezik's rhyming)

5. Ursula vs. King Triton. really this is all about ursula being the best baddie ever.

4. Merlin vs. Mad Madam Mim. i liked it when they turned into animals and he defeted her by turning into a germ and making her sick. well played, merlin. well played.

3. The Order vs. The Death Eaters. so much action. visually beautiful. had me on the edge of my seat.

2. Gandolf vs. Sauruman. i liked it when they were beating each other about the face with magic

1. Dumbledor vs. Voldemort. this was truely the best fight ever. the fire and the water and the glass and the sand and the lightening. love it. love it. love it.

yeah!!!! it's harry potter day!!!

today is the day! well, last night at midnight was actually the day. i have had this premiere on my calender for months. ok, yeah, i'm a big fat nerd. but i don't care.

i was very lucky to have been in London for the premiere of the first harry potter film. and i actually was in a preview audience for it. i was killing some time before i had to be at the theatre that night for a show that i was stage managing and happened across a bunch of people in line at the cinema. "what are you waiting for?" i asked. "harry potter." now as a huge fan of the books i got in line as well and enjoyed the film completely. so when i got to the theatre that night, i was the most popular girl in school because i got to see the movie before anyone else.

now, i have gone to every film opening at the midnight showing until this one. i foolishly didn't take off work and had to be there this moring. but after work... i am totally going. Order of the Phoenix is one of my favorite books (i even have my hardcover autographed by the illustrator.) so i have had some high expectations for this movie. plus Sirius Black is one of my very favorite characters, played by one of my very favorite actors -- gary oldman. he's my movie boyfriend. i really don't want to see my movie boyfriend die in yet another movie. Gary Oldman, please for the love of god, pick a role that doesn't lead to the charactors untimely death. Just once, Gary, i want to see you live! that is all i ask. in rosencrantz you were hung; in 5th element you were blown up; in imortal beloved you died within the 1st five minutes (although the whole film was a memory film), in dracula you were stabed by a bad actress through the heart; and now with sirius you're gonna fall through some mysterious whispering vail. my heart can't take much more. i know that i will cry, so i plan to wear my waterproof mascara. p.s. gary oldman, you look uuber hot with those tattoos on your chest as Sirius.

yes. i will also be attending the harry potter party for the next book but i shall blog on the book later.

reality vs. illusion

i love my mom. she is the picture of grace and loveliness that most women aspire to. she also has one of the sickest sense of humor and i blame her for my fragil mental state.

let me explain. in the arts (theatre, dance, art, lit, film) there is something called the suspention of disbelife. this is how the "magic" of the cinema/stage/whatever happens. we (the audience/reader/whatever) allows ourselves to "believe" that what is happening is real. for example... Finding Nemo. there are no talking fish; fish don't have eyelids; no father fish would swim halfway across the ocean to find his son; puffer fish would have eaten the other fish in that tank; not all drains lead to the ocean; and in all my months of hand feeding pelicans, have i ever seen a pelican that won't at least try to eat a fish that is put in it's mouth. the only things that i could say were realistic are that clown fish really aren't funny and that seagulls probably really are saying "mine." but we the audience choose to believe all these things and enjoy a fine pixar film.

why, you may ask, did i have to go through all that? and what about my mama and my mental state? well... last night The Boy and i were watching Clash of the Titans. wonderful film. thank you mr harryhousen! and i got to thinking about the first time that i watched it with my mom. i distinctly remember turning to her (mind you, i was like 5 years old at the time) and asking her if i could have the pegasus. she looked down at me with all the love of the world in her eyes and said, "no, you know that i am allergic to horses. besides, we live in a townhome. where would he live?" i'm sure that she thought that she was being very funny at the time. notice that she didn't say, "no, you stupid kid, it's not real." another time, we were watching Star Wars Empire Strikes Back. i asked if i could have a Ton Ton (that half ram, half furry dinosaur looking thing on the ice planet). i wanted one because han solo had one, and if it was good enough for han, it was good enough for me. anyway, again my mom (the picture sweetness and apple pie) said, "i don't think you can have a ton ton. they live on the ice planet and we live in texas. it would be far too hot for them." she also gave the the bologna about us living in a townhome and not having a place to keep it. does anyone else see a trend here? every mytical creature i would want as a pet, i was told the same thing. not that they weren't real but some excuse for not being able to keep it. so well into my childhood, i still thought that they were actual animals that could be owned under the right condtions. i remember making a golden bridle out of yarn and sitting in the yard for hours trying to lure a unicorn to me. or watching my grandmothers azalea bushes for signs of fairies.

but i guess it isn't all bad. i have a great imagination that i try to put to good use daily. cast members love when i am in the audience of a show because i am completely willing to get totally into the action of the play. The Boy gets a kick out of watching me watch movies (i.e. cry alot at the sad parts). so i figure that i will thank her next time i talk to her, although i have a feeling that she is still laughign about the time she said that i couldn't have a dragon because our house was a wooden house and the dragon would probably burn it down. damn, sicko lady.

Once upon a time...

so i've been wanting to post a blog for quite some time and i think that the time is ripe for it now. i have a lot to say and express and what better way to do so than to just lay it all out there for everyone to see.

for those who don't know me, i am an actress of sorts, who spends most of her time burning payroll at her day job. i've been fortunate to have had a myriad of odd jobs that include but are not restricted to: nude modeling for artist, a zookeeper, a kennel technician, waitressing (once. it didn't end well for any of the parties involved), telemarketer, answering service operator, office assistant, retail, product spokesperson, data entry, and once while i worked in a city hall office, i got to name a street. that was cool.

i like: cats, the ocean (but not the beach-- beaches smell funny), laughing until i cough like a TB sufferer, chocolate, england, not capitalizing, reading so late into the night that my eyes get blurry, buying gifts, having money to buy gifts, baking, mocking people at walmart, singing a song, reading harry potter (even though i am almost 30 and i have already read the books enough times to be able to quote most of the chapters, openly making fun of my supervisors without them realizing it, jam on buttered toast, kissing, cold nights and warm blankets, farmers markets, the fur between my cat's toes, my dog's ears, when my dog knocks things over when she wags her tail, car dancing, moderate PDA, green lights, blankets with the silky edging on them, free samples, creativity, colorful artwork, mocking the rich and beautiful, dancing with The Boy in the checkout line at the supermarket, big cat rescues, butterflies, baby ducks, goats, movies so good that i cry, magic shows, painted toenails, cultural references in film and tv, interesting rocks, when you can feel the base inside your chest at a rock concert, opening nights, well tuned pianos, children who dance in public, pixar movies, disneyworld on a rainy day, misty mornings, a nice cuppa, smell of leather and shiny things.

things that i do not like: the inside of a car on a 100+ degree day, uneducated opinions, dumb email forwards, canned spinach, beaches that smell funny, being attacked by a shark, the shower scene in psycho, monkey poop, parents who won't stop their children from screaming in public, the busy tone, bosses with lower education than me, aggressive customer service people, sticky hands, humidity, girls too big to wear the tiny clothes they have on (although i do like to mock them and secretly photograph them with my phone so as to humor my friends with later), spiderwebs on my face, burned food (esp eggs), needlessly long lines at the store, poorly performed Shakespeare, and sometimes...the post office.

i'll update this blog as much as possible with photos and whatnots to entertain and delight. my two new favorite games are: Look What I Saw At Wal-mart Today! and Guess The Gender! fun for the whole family. stick around... there's more to come