Baby, you can drive my car

look at what i saw this weekend! so Himself and i were taking the dogs to the beach for some playtime (and because i think it's funny to watch the min pin try to figure out how the hermit crab works) and we saw a father riding on his jetski with is daughter. i noted it but no big deal, right. dad. kid. jetski. ok. so... as we are leaving we notice what the father did after they finished with the jetski. i walked over and asked if he needed any help. he said no. i asked if he wanted some rope to pull it out. he said no, unless it was really thick rope because tieline wouldn't be strong enough. i asked if i could take a picture. he said yeah, i suppose so. so i did. he said that he thought that he had it in drive but he really had it in reverse. no shit, really? is that how your suv ended up simi-submerged in the ocean? fool.

this is just one example of the idiots that we have behind the wheel here in florida. i know what you are thinking... "you think you have bad drivers? you should see the drivers we haver here in (insert random place here)" well, let me just counter that with... where do you think all those bad drivers go in the winter and to die. that would be florida, folks. all the aged and feeble grab their walkers or hoverrounds and tottle thier way south to take up residence in the land of swaying palm trees and conch fritters (yum!) maybe it is the salty sea air, maybe the golden sunlight warming thier cold bones, but for some crazy reason these dinosaurs wraped in human flesh actually think that they are young again. newsflash here, people. you're not. i'm sorry to be the one to pass on this tragic information, but let's call a spade a spade, shall we. you are old and that ain't changing. please for the love of all that pure and holy, please stop getting behind the wheel. you can't see. you can't hear. you can berely see over the dashboard. you drive too slow. you think that just because you fought in WW2 that the rules of the road don't apply to you. you are the scurge of the Florida Hwy System and you must be stopped. i have always said that there should be a manditory practical driving test for everyone over the age of twenty to be taken every 5 or 10 years. that way we can get some of these biohazards off the road. if you fail the test, then your licences is revocked for 6 weeks. then you get to try agian. if you fail again then you loose your licences for a full year. then you can try again. if you fail this last time, well you are SOL until the next 5 or 10 year mark. sure that would mean that there would have to be more people on staff at the dmv, but i bet the testing could be contracted out to one of those driving schools or something. all i'm saying is... i rarely feel safe on the road, and if you have ever ridden in a car with me you would know the gravity of what i say. i have actually become a better driver after watching the carnige that the ancient americans can dish out.

here are some helpful points to remember when out on the road.

1. it's called a blinker. it tells all those around you where you intend to go. it turns on and just as importantly... it turns off.

2. it's called a turning lane. it allows you to remove yourself from the flow of trafic to slow down and make a turn. please don't attempt to make a turn from the center lane of a three lane highway. not only is it dangerous but it is annoying.

3. if you can't see over the dashboard, don't drive. you better find yourself a Hoke, mrs daisy, 'cause you are cruzin' for a bruzin'.

4. the speed limit is posted. could you please drive a speed that is somewhere in the neighborhood of the speed limit. yes, i know that it is the limit and you have the right to drive as slow as you want, but your fellow drivers want to throw blunt objects at you when you hold us up because of your slow ass driving.

5. if you don't have anywhere to go, and let's face it... you're retired and in florida. where do you really have to be? please stay off the road during the exact hours of 6-9 am and 3-6 pm. these are the hours that people that have real jobs have to commute and you with your slow ass driving are getting in the way.

6. i am young and pride myself on the fact that i can muti-task. you are old and have either lost the ablity to multi-task or never cultivated the talent in the first place. don't you give me the stink eye because i am on my cell phone.

7. congratulations. you have worked all your life to finally own a sports car. how bout driving that beast like it's a sports car and not a land yatch.

8.green means go. red means stop. not the other way around.

9. the break is a lifesaver until you are breaking for every. god. damn. thing. the squirrel that is 200yards in front of you will probablly move and if it doesn't, hit it. it is a stupid squirrell and natural selection may be governing his fate. but when you see the mild mannored pedestrian, why do you insist on plowing on through. this also applies to bicycles and motorcycles. if you hit them, the police will arrest you for manslaughter.

10. i know that it is hard, it will be difficult for me when the time comes, but swallow your pride and admit when the gig is up and you need to stop driving. you will get more respect if you do.

tat2

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia The Tattooed Lady.

She has eyes that folks adore so,and a torso even more so.

Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia.

Oh Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.

On her back is The Battle of Waterloo.

Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too.

And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.

You can learn a lot from Lydia!

La-la-la...la-la-la.La-la-la...la-la-la.

She can give you a view of the world in tattoo if you step up and tell her where.

For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,

or Washington crossing The Delaware.

La-la-la...la-la-la. La-la-la...la-la-la.

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?

Lydia The Tattooed Lady.

When her muscles start relaxin', up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.

Lydia, oh Lydia, oh have you met Lydia.

Oh Lydia The Champ of them all.

She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet.

The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.

And now the old boy's in command of the fleet,

for he went and married Lydia!

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i have tattoos. sure i do. why else would my name be tat2kitten. although, i don't have any tattoos of kittens at this point. i will never forget getting my first tattoo. i was going to school in grantham, lincs, england and i really wanted some ink. i went to so many tattoo parlors that they all started looking alike. i ended up drawing my own design (a thisle) and took it to the local tattoo artist. my roommate went with me and took pics the whole time. it is rather small and on my back right above my right butt cheek. i was 20. before i took the bus into town to get my first tattoo, i called my mom to get clearance, so to speak. i asked, "mama, what do you think of tattoos?" she responded, "well, it seems like everyone is getting one." well, that was all i needed to convince me. i bolted out of the door like horse from a burning stable. let me just tell you something here, pal. tattoos hurt. period. and anyone that says otherwise is a liar liar pants on fire. it hurts because you are stabbing your arm with a very fast needle with ink. so... it hurts. but it is adictive. really adictive.

my next tattoo came during my senior year of college. it is a good luck clover. very simple, cute. it is right above my left butt cheek. i woke up with the itch to get some more ink and went to where my roommate Bear got her newest (at the time) tattoo. it is a little bit bigger than the first tat but still small... to match the thisle. latter that year, i got a bellybutton ring but it got infected because i was allergic to the cleaning solution. i eventually took the damn thing out and now i have a faint scar on my tummy.

my next body modification came after i moved back to the states. i went to visit bear and her sister. we all went to a concert at billy bobs in fort worth. after the concert we stumbled over to the new tattoo parlor that was having a grand opening that night and i got my tongue peirced. i asked bear if it would hurt and she assured me that it wouldn't and that i would be just fine. and as the warm steel peirced my sensive flesh and the two huge tears rolled down my flushed cheeks, i locked eyes with bear and wimpered, "you lied." she laughed, the bitch. on the way home she did stop at taco bell and get me a cup of ice. damn, my tongue was swollen! the next day, i went home and the only thing that i could eat was a krispy kream donut, torn into small peices and shoved down the back of my throat. that was the best donut ever. eventually the swelling went down, and i accessorized my mouth with various peices of jewerly. but i swore that i would take my tongue ring out if i ever chipped a tooth. i like my teeth and i don't want them looking like shit. needless to say, after about a year and a half, i took out my tongue ring and have regretted it ever since.

after my ex-husband and i split up, i designed a new tattoo of a heart with wings. one side of the heart is designed like an angle, the other half is a devil. it is on my back left sholder. i got the line work done first then went back for the color. i feel like i got jipped because it came out rather plain but it still looks nice. i will more than likely get it spruced up at some time.

not long ago, i got a real grown up job in an office. i answered phones, coalated, handled payroll and generally looked busy while i was actually buy off of ebay. with my first grown up paycheck, i got a design of a broken heart that was patched and stiched up. again, this was one of my own designs. it came out perfect. exactly as i had pictured it. it is on my back right sholder. my new husband and i met at this grown up job and he thought that i was blowing him off by saying that i was going to be getting a tattoo that weekend he asked me out on a date. by the way... he neglected to tell me that his phone number was from a different area code so i neglected to give him my local area code. so when he called my phone and got a strange phone message, he again thought that i was blowing him off. silly man.

so the tattoo count is up to four at this time. but that is just not enough. and incedently, each tattoo is bigger than the last. i get the itch for ink again and design a trible heart of flame with 5 stars surrounding it. i got this one on my arm on good friday, last year. the same artist that did the patchwork heart, did the trible thing. and let me tell you something here. i guess because it is really huge, he wasn't able to do some of the faness that he did with the patchwork heart. i was kinda disappointed. don't get me wronge... all it needs is a touch up here or there. but the artist has gone out of business and skipped town. damn it. Himself said that he will get me a touch up at some point. i think that i will kick it up a notch and give it a bit of a japaness feel. that and i want a tongue peircing again.