Baby, you can drive my car

look at what i saw this weekend! so Himself and i were taking the dogs to the beach for some playtime (and because i think it's funny to watch the min pin try to figure out how the hermit crab works) and we saw a father riding on his jetski with is daughter. i noted it but no big deal, right. dad. kid. jetski. ok. so... as we are leaving we notice what the father did after they finished with the jetski. i walked over and asked if he needed any help. he said no. i asked if he wanted some rope to pull it out. he said no, unless it was really thick rope because tieline wouldn't be strong enough. i asked if i could take a picture. he said yeah, i suppose so. so i did. he said that he thought that he had it in drive but he really had it in reverse. no shit, really? is that how your suv ended up simi-submerged in the ocean? fool.

this is just one example of the idiots that we have behind the wheel here in florida. i know what you are thinking... "you think you have bad drivers? you should see the drivers we haver here in (insert random place here)" well, let me just counter that with... where do you think all those bad drivers go in the winter and to die. that would be florida, folks. all the aged and feeble grab their walkers or hoverrounds and tottle thier way south to take up residence in the land of swaying palm trees and conch fritters (yum!) maybe it is the salty sea air, maybe the golden sunlight warming thier cold bones, but for some crazy reason these dinosaurs wraped in human flesh actually think that they are young again. newsflash here, people. you're not. i'm sorry to be the one to pass on this tragic information, but let's call a spade a spade, shall we. you are old and that ain't changing. please for the love of all that pure and holy, please stop getting behind the wheel. you can't see. you can't hear. you can berely see over the dashboard. you drive too slow. you think that just because you fought in WW2 that the rules of the road don't apply to you. you are the scurge of the Florida Hwy System and you must be stopped. i have always said that there should be a manditory practical driving test for everyone over the age of twenty to be taken every 5 or 10 years. that way we can get some of these biohazards off the road. if you fail the test, then your licences is revocked for 6 weeks. then you get to try agian. if you fail again then you loose your licences for a full year. then you can try again. if you fail this last time, well you are SOL until the next 5 or 10 year mark. sure that would mean that there would have to be more people on staff at the dmv, but i bet the testing could be contracted out to one of those driving schools or something. all i'm saying is... i rarely feel safe on the road, and if you have ever ridden in a car with me you would know the gravity of what i say. i have actually become a better driver after watching the carnige that the ancient americans can dish out.

here are some helpful points to remember when out on the road.

1. it's called a blinker. it tells all those around you where you intend to go. it turns on and just as importantly... it turns off.

2. it's called a turning lane. it allows you to remove yourself from the flow of trafic to slow down and make a turn. please don't attempt to make a turn from the center lane of a three lane highway. not only is it dangerous but it is annoying.

3. if you can't see over the dashboard, don't drive. you better find yourself a Hoke, mrs daisy, 'cause you are cruzin' for a bruzin'.

4. the speed limit is posted. could you please drive a speed that is somewhere in the neighborhood of the speed limit. yes, i know that it is the limit and you have the right to drive as slow as you want, but your fellow drivers want to throw blunt objects at you when you hold us up because of your slow ass driving.

5. if you don't have anywhere to go, and let's face it... you're retired and in florida. where do you really have to be? please stay off the road during the exact hours of 6-9 am and 3-6 pm. these are the hours that people that have real jobs have to commute and you with your slow ass driving are getting in the way.

6. i am young and pride myself on the fact that i can muti-task. you are old and have either lost the ablity to multi-task or never cultivated the talent in the first place. don't you give me the stink eye because i am on my cell phone.

7. congratulations. you have worked all your life to finally own a sports car. how bout driving that beast like it's a sports car and not a land yatch.

8.green means go. red means stop. not the other way around.

9. the break is a lifesaver until you are breaking for every. god. damn. thing. the squirrel that is 200yards in front of you will probablly move and if it doesn't, hit it. it is a stupid squirrell and natural selection may be governing his fate. but when you see the mild mannored pedestrian, why do you insist on plowing on through. this also applies to bicycles and motorcycles. if you hit them, the police will arrest you for manslaughter.

10. i know that it is hard, it will be difficult for me when the time comes, but swallow your pride and admit when the gig is up and you need to stop driving. you will get more respect if you do.