regrets

regret is a funny thing. it sneaks up on you unawares, at times, and makes you remember. remembering isn't so bad as regret; it's the remembering of things best left forgotten that is waring on the soul. as with most people, i have many regrets in my life. i really try not to dwell on these things as i tend to beat myself up about issues, whether i am at fault or not. it's just in my nature; it's who i am. i think that this trait is what gives me the deep seeded desire to please people and make people happy.

the last few weeks have been heavy on my heart and maybe the venting/musing/addressing of these things will help lift this burden. there are so many things that i regret doing and, transversely, not doing. it's the things that are unsaid and the things that should never have been said. i regret marrying my ex-husband. i suppose that i will always have the bruises and scars that he left on me, despite the fact that the physical evidence of abuse have long since healed. i thought that i was supposed to "wait until marriage". that was what the preacher said. "wait until marriage". my ex told me that the only reason he asked me to marry him was so that i would have sex with him. he told me this a year and a half into our marriage. ass. and i was a fool. a young, naive fool who thought that if she tried harder and loved stronger, then her marriage would work out. love has to go both ways, and there came a point where i couldn't give anymore, for i had nothing left to give. i grew to fear him and i hated him and i regret that i didn't get myself out of that situation sooner.

i regret going to college straight out of high school. my senior year of high school was when i looked my best (in my humble opinion). i was a mere size 10 and i was singing and dancing everyday. true, by attending college, i gained valuable stage technique and i learned a great deal about my craft, but i looked hot coming out of high school and looks are what count in this business. no one truly knows how hard i have had to work at loosing the 50 or so pounds which i lost this year. and sometimes i feel that if i had gone straight to NYC, perhaps... well... maybe things would be different for me. maybe not better, but definitely different.

i have some other regrets that are a little too fresh and the wound is still a little too raw to delve into at this time. there was recently a moment that i should have taken action. there were words that should have been said, but the moment has long past and all i am left with are "what if's". i know in my heart of hearts that i missed my opportunity and that knowledge has carved a small hole within. some days, i barely notice that the hole is there. it's as if the what if's and maybe's have been blown away like puffs of smoke. but then i face the days where i am all to aware of my regret and it feels like there is a bruise on my heart. hearts break and mend every day and i know that there will come a day when the memory is no longer tender to the touch. until that day, i will soldier on as best i can. mending and slowly forgetting.

they say that the best thing about regret is that it is never too late. this is true. unfortunately, fear creates a wall that is sometimes to difficult to overcome. fear can be a paralyzing force that will hinder every choice you are faced with. so essentially, regret is fear. at the base of most of my regret is the element of fear. well, except the regret i have about not buy a certain pair of shoes. god, i should have bought those shoes. but most everything else is tinged with fear. i was afraid of failure, so i didn't go to NYC. i was afraid of rejection, so i never told him that i loved him. i was afraid of ridicule, so i went along with the crowd, knowing that they were wrong. you see, crippling fear will best the strongest of us. my only hope is to take what i have learned and stand up and proudly be just me. and if i don't fear the outcome, i shall never again feel the pangs of regret because at least i tried. i loved. i experienced. and i did it all completely and whole heartedly. live. life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death.

the blues

i like the blues. always have. i love to listen to those smokey standards sung in a dimly lit bar by a beautiful woman lounging on a piano in a sparkling gown. i have never been one to write songs. i wrote bad emo poetry back in high school, before there was such a thing as emo, but i never felt like i could write song lyrics. and god help me, every time i tried to write music, it would come out sounding like everything i do, i do it for you. this is my shame. i will sing you every song from every musical i have ever seen but i can't write it myself.

well tonight is the night. i got the inspiration to write these lyrics while at work and wrote it down as soon as i got home. just remember that this is a first draft and i've never written a song before. so, please, be gentle. also picture me singing it in a seedy bar filled with a blue smokey haze in a sparkling gown, lounging across a piano

i am not that girl by tat2kitten

my longing could fill the sea
with just one glance at me
you melt my willing soul

my hope could soar above
if i could feel your love
your heart's an unreachable goal

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and fear
but i am not the girl

my dreams reach out for you
my heart is broken in two
cause i want you in my life

like a moth drawn to the flame
my desire does the same
you burn me with your eyes

for i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to feel the touch of your skin
why won't you let me in?
cause i am not the girl

confuse me
abuse me
enslave me
only your love can save me

but i am not the girl
i wanna share your world
to kiss away your care
your worry and your fear
but i am not the girl
to feel the touch of your skin
baby, please let me in
oh no
i am not the girl

Little Wonders

there are times, and i think that i can speak for most people, that i am overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated, under valued and simply downtrodden. hopefully not all at once... but there are those times when you feel that your essence is sapped from you and you wonder how you can keep your head above water. some people turn to their distraction of choice, be it drugs, drink, cigars ;) chocolate or any other external substance that will make it all better. my chocolate is sitting next to me at the moment. some people will exercise their blues away. not me buddy. i'm too lazy for that. i, personally, simply like to be held -- even for just a moment. i sometimes think that i don't get enough of that. isn't it funny, the things that one ends up compromising in relationships.

anyway. there is a great song, one of my favorites, called Little Wonders by Rob Thomas. it was the featured song in the film Meet the Robinsons by Disney. Rob Thomas said that he wrote it after watching his dog enjoying the wind blowing in its face while they walked in the park. there is a lesson to be learned from that little dog. enjoy the simple pleasures of life. the sun warming your skin. the smell of newly opened blossoms. the sound of a cat's purr. the things that we take for granted in life which are tiny gifts for us to enjoy, they are what make life worth living.

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

the customer is always right (in their own mind)

well, kids...

i'm back in retail. and i am back at a book store. bonus. as some of you may know, i once worked at a book store chain and left for weird circumstances. but that is all behind me now as i have a great job, which i thoroughly enjoy at a new book store chain. and i'm not just saying all that because my boss might read my blog. i've said it before... working at a book store is great if you are at customer service because everyone that comes in the store assumes that you have read all the books that you sell. they ask you in almost reverent tones where they too might find a book which could offer them such enlightenment. it's like you are a librarian that doesn't shout at people for being too loud. sometimes you will have a customer that is stupefied that you can't find "that book with the word blue in the title that that guy on the radio was talking about this morning" "well, what radio station, ma'am?" "oh, i don't know. my kids were listening to it." and of course the that is the only information that they have to give. let me just say... i'm good, but i'm not that good. i once had a woman ask me to find "that book with the word wolf in the title". it wasn't about wolves but had a wolf on the cover. do you know how many books have the word "wolf" in the title? after scrolling through about 64 titles, i gave up and told her to just call when she had more info. on my first day at my new job, i had someone ask me for the "new" bram stoker novel. stoker died in 1912. i don't think that he has had anything published in a while. i have a friend who worked for the same company as myself and he had a frustrated woman that wanted a specific edition of the new testament. i say frustrated because at reaching her wits end in not finding what she wanted, turned to him and asked pleadingly, "when did they start putting the old and new testaments together?" oh, i don't know, like 300 AD. god, i love those strange few customers that give my blog fodder.

i've only been working at the store for a little less than a month, but already i have had some folks that defy normalcy. there is one guy that used to hang out at my old bookstore that now hangs out at my new bookstore. that man gives me the heebie jeebies. to me, he looks like what i imagine gollum would have looked like if instead of lurking in the depths of the misty mountains, had moved to a trailer park and eaten twinkies while he fondled "the precious". needless to say, i tend to stay on the other side of the store when i see this fellow. i'm sure he's nice but i tend to judge on my instincts and my instincts tell me to run away, run away! we have our share of oddballs, sure. like the old guys that buy a readers digest, paula dean's newest cookbook and the best of lesbian erotica of 2008. or the emo kids that think that they look very individualistic but actually look like the other group of emo kids that just left, who looked like the other emo kids that were there the night before. there is always at least one parent, every shift, that can not or will not control their child/ children. and there is at least one perv (probably trailer park gollum) that leaves random bits of porn all over the store. thank god, i like my co-workers

that is the thing about retail... it is a lot easier to get through a shift when you enjoy working with the staff. my last bookstore had a fun group of booksellers but the manager was difficult and looked like a giraffe. not that she was difficult because she looked like a giraffe, but she did and she was. i don't know what her deal was but she always seemed to not like me. it happens. i was good at my job, great at upselling, gift co-ordinating, and customer service but i was never "good enough" to achieve the employee of the month. and it was obvious to the entire staff that she purposely skipped me every month. so i took it upon myself to buy a oversized novelty button that read, "employee of the month" and wore it under my name tag. if anyone congratulated me on my "achievement" i would politely explain that it was a joke and that the actual EOTM was whomever it happened to be at that time. everyone would laugh and i would carry on with my work. perhaps my sassiness is why i no longer work there. this group i've now joined seem to be able to take a bit of sass and dish out some of their own. thank god. it's just a job, not life or death. they are just books. in the end all will be ok, so just work hard and enjoy it, eh?

but i guess that is the most important part of having a job. to enjoy. i don't work in offices because, i am too much of a free spirit. i get bored and then i get feisty, then i get fired. i have worked so many places (one of the many drawbacks of working in theatre professionally -- you have to supplement your income somehow.) but i find that doing a job where i get to assist people in some way, i like to think that i excel (or at least am kinda good). i enjoy the environment of being surrounded by books. i may not be much of a writer but i can absorb the power of the written word from the great minds that have gone before and paved the way for the next tolkin, Shakespeare, rowling and dickens. the next great name in literature may frequent my store and just maybe i will be the one that leads them to the book that fuels the flames of their literary career. the next Pulitzer prize winning author may be standing on the other side of the counter from me. watch it be trailer park gollum. *skeevy*

high diddle lee dee, an actors life for me

so. i haven't posted anything in a long while and for that i am sorry. i'm doing a show and am neck deep in The Producers. i have loved the show ever since i first saw it and thankfully this show hasn't changed that. that will happen sometimes... you see a show and fall in love with it and then by happy circumstance, you are able to work on that same show. something unpleasant happens during the run and now the show is ruined for you forever. happens all the time.

i have been unusually casualty free during the run (knock on wood) so i have enjoyed it pretty well. the last show i did, i fell down a flight of stairs. i was bruised but generally ok. the show before that, i got sick and had to be mic'ed and still couldn't be heard. i've fallen off stages, walked into sets, been run over by set pieces. i'm clumsy. what can i say.

ok so here is the deal. i have to get something off my chest right now. but it is a long and sad tale of deceit and treachery within the world of theatre. hold on to your butts, cause here we go.

several years ago, i was hired by a great director to stage manage his new play which he was taking to a competition (which we won best drama, btw). the theatre that was hosting our rehearsals was also premiering the new play prior to the competition, so i spent a lot of time there. apparently, all the hard work that i was putting in for this show had not gone unnoticed by the TD of the theatre, who it so happens needed a SM for his production of West Side Story. i love that show so when he asked if i was interested, i jumped at the chance. that and you never know when you next gig will come along so best to take it when you can. i did the run with the new play, went to competition, came home and started working on west side. when i went into the artistic dir office to sign the paper work and contracts and what have you, i let them know that if they like the work that i do, i would be willing to set up as the house stage manager. you know, stage manage most of the shows and the ones that i couldn't, coordinate the finding and training of stage managers. i would be on staff. they seemed up for my suggestion and told me that they while they couldn't hire me on staff at that time, the budget meeting would be soon and it would be discussed then. until that time, would i consider "volunteering" with other shows to make sure that i fit in with the other staff and the theatre as a whole. that sounded fine to me as i was volunteering to do spot op and shit like that, not stage manage.

West Side Story was a hit and i felt really good about the production as a whole. after it closed, i upheld my part of the bargain by running spots, set painting during the day and generally being available for what needed to be done. then i met The Bob's.

The Bob's are a local theatre couple that are both named bob and direct, choreograph and support the local theatres. everyone around this damn town acts like the bob's opinion is the be all and end all of theatre as a whole. i had never heard of them before moving here. anyway, the bob's were tag teaming Zorba. one bob was directing the other was stage manager. i was asked to be the assistant SM/deck crew chief (the DCC is in charge of the stage crew and makes sure that everything on the stage is taken care of). i was told that i didn't really need to come to rehearsals until they moved on stage (meaning that the rehearsals took place in a rehearsal room and i wasn't needed until there was set and stuff to worry about) no prob, just let me know when you want me. i was in and out of rehearsals all the time, making sure i was aware of the show. once the cast started rehearsing on stage, i brought my notebook and really got down to business. i had cues written as a back up, set changes choreographed and various lists of rails and props and other whatnots that are needed to be recorded for big shows like zorba. i am a great assistant.

one thing you should know about the bob's is... they will call a rehearsal for certain times and if they don't finish what they had planned for rehearsal, they will keep going. that sounds great doesn't it. well, when you want to run act one and you aren't past the 4th scene and it's already 10:30 at night and you have kids in the cast and the cast as a whole is volunteer and were told that rehearsal would end at 10 and the director is yelling for the next scene and most of the cast has left of their own accord because they have work in the morning... well as you can imagine, it's not fun. that sort of thing happened all the time, i was running late for my PAYING job because of my VOLUNTEERING at the theatre. i told the bob's that i had to leave. rehearsal should have ended an hour and a half before and i had to go to my job. well they threw the biggest hissy fit ever and then said i could go. i'm all for the show must go on and crap, but i have to pay my bills and stuff.

shit like that went on the whole time we rehearsed. then the day before the show, i get a call on my cell from one of the bob's (some people call him bad bob) he informs me that since i can't seem to get along with the cast (that was news to me, since about half the cast was people with whom i had worked many times and with whom i enjoyed doing shows) that they were going to let me go as the assistant SM. and would i bring my prompt book to the theatre that afternoon so the new stage manager could take over. who did they get to replace me? some guy that had been hanging around the theatre for the last week. i thought that he was a family member of one of the cast members but no... he was there to watch me so that he could usurp my position. ass. i tried to say that they technically couldn't fire me as i was unpaid. but bob just said that they didn't want me there. so with a heavy heart, i took my prompt book to the theatre and left it at my station. i picked up my personal items and left.

come to find out after all was said and done... that pretty boy that took over my show was hired as a house SM. the artistic dir basically used me for free labor with a staff job as a carrot. after all was said and done, i tried to be as professional and kind to the bob's. i figured that they were just caught in the middle of the drama and couldn't be faulted. besides everyone around here thinks that they are really important so, might as well stay on their good side.

i have now learned that the bob's have been telling people that i quit the show and left them in the lurch. that is fucking bullshit. and anyone who knows me, knows that i have never done such a thing because it isn't in my nature to do so. the time for caring and placating those assholes is over. as much as i want to be petty and make all sorts of comment about them, i won't but know this. the bob's can lick my lizard.

(and that goes for jason brener, too. i don't like him in any way. not romantically, not friendly, not professionally. and he better stop telling people that i have romantic interests in him or i will gleefully kick his ass. and i mean that literally. i will do him physical harm if he doesn't shut his howling screamer.)

i just had to get all that off my chest and now i fell better.

we're not ganna pay rent!

(30 year old me again. this post is mostly about me seeing rent. so if you haven't seen it: 1. where have you been? under a rock?!? 2. spoiler alert.)

Sept 6, 1998 @ 9:40

angel was backlit during his solo in "contact" and you could see his "little friend" in silhouette. roger was getting read to do his musetta's waltz in "la vie boheme" and accidental strummed during mimi and benny's confrontation. Collins was so fun loving and playful. you could tell who was an american and who wasn't. the chorus took their solos a lot slower. it was actually kinda cute. i think out of all the times i've seen this show, this was my favorite. adam and anthony were the best mark and roger (well, they were the originals. god, my 19 year old self is dumb) but i did like the interaction between mark and joanne from the us national tour better. wilson jermaine heredia was the best angel although the nyc angel was good too. the nyc joanne was the best and tour collins was very good. but i just love the angel/ collins relationship. you could really see the chemistry between them. the nyc maureen was better but the london girl was good. nyc homeless were better but london's alexi darling was so funny!

friday night, on the tube, some guy tried to ask me out on a date. he looked like a sane version of john malkovitch (i totally do not remember this incident). now to hampton court. it seems to me that a lot of pavement is wasted because they drive on the other side of the road. (what the hell does that mean?)

Sept 6 @ 2:54 (how do you like these exact times, eh?)
hampton court gardens are very pretty. there were some canadian geese and ducks and swans. there were carriage rides and one carriage was being pulled by what looked like Frisian horses (the horse from Ladyhawk. i love that movie and i love that breed of horse). one of the swans attacked my shoe and i feed the geese by hand (i go half way around the world to the court of king henry the 8th and all i can talk about is feeding the ducks. bless) the gardens were very romantic; made you want to be in a couple. i got lost in the maze (there is a maze made of shrubbery. it was so fun). i went through it with dori and mel and some other harlaxton students. all of us got confused (big surprise there) but dori made it out first. so the rest of us played marco polo to find our way out. kevin would have liked the maze. wish he were here.

for the love...

there is a phenomenon that has been present in theatre ever since the first production, though i don't have any proof. this quite common occurrence is what as know as the inevitable Theatre Crush. everyone has experienced it at some time or another and casts from now until the last curtain falls on the final show will have lingering effects of it.

it goes without saying that when you throw a group of people into a confined space under stressful circumstances, a variety of relationships will emerge. most are quite harmless and innocent. i, personally, tend to look after the younger members of my casts and end up becoming a older sister figure to some of them. there are strong bonds of friendship that are formed with dressing roommates as you prepare for the night's performance. these people with whom you share the stage, have to have your trust and have earned yours as well. you have laughed at each other, cried together in stress and loss, nursed your wounds and celebrated the triumph of another opening night. it stands to reason that your cast is emotionally linked to you and you to them. unfortunately, as is with most casts, after the final performance your friendships slowly fades. you never mean for it to happen but it always does. then you are cast in a new show and new bonds twine themselves around your heart. sometimes, if you are lucky, your former castmates will join you in the new show but it is never the same as it was before. each show is unique, like catching lightening in a bottle, and for that reason the relationships formed are precious.

now. that is all very well and good and platonic but what of the little theatre romances that crop up in every show. we are all guilty of having a little crush here or there. perhaps it starts as admiration. "man, she has such a beautiful singing voice" or "oh, he speaks shakespeare so eloquently." then that admiration morphs into a crush of sorts.

my first theatre crush was on a young man named, steven phillips. he and i did several shows together growing up. his whole family, sans father, did shows at the local community theatre. what a hot mess that family was. the father was a preacher at a local church and the mother was a slut who wore her 13 year old daughter's clothes. her actions forced the church people to ask the preacher to resign because she was such an embarrassment. the 13 year old daughter was a sweet girl but rather vapid. the youngest son was concentrated evil and then there was steven. cute, as far as i was concerned, charming and mischievous, steven was big ol' fish in tiny ass pond. we were rehearsing Carnival and i started to develop a little crush on him. one of our rehearsals fell on valentine's day and when i arrived at the theatre, steven handed me a box of candy, a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear. then he proceeded to tell me that he had a crush on one of the chorus girls, a pretty girl but one of the biggest idiots i have ever met, and would i give her the gifts because he was too shy to give them to her himself. sure. no problem. would you also like my heart roasted on a spit while you're at it? so needless to say, i learned early on not to hang too much hope on a theatre crush.

the best example i have of theatre crushes on awry is from my days in college theatre. but as i don't have permission from one of the main players to tell the story of The Great Backstage Relationship Explosion and i do not wish to embarrass said person, you'll just have to ask me individually. i am more than willing to tell you because i love telling this story.

so for all those in theatre, the men and women kicking their own asses to produce the best damn show you've ever seen, i raise my glass. find comfort where you may, cherish those with whom you work and if you are lucky to have your theatre crush returned-- enjoy stolen kisses, for those are the sweetest.