Nonsense and Mayhem from a Full-time Half-wit: Look what i saw today

i generally keep a weather-eye out for hideous breeches in style and grooming. wal-mart is a perfect place to look at the "best" examples of what not to wear. this weekend, i was reminded that there are many possibilities available at golden coral as well. but this weekend proved to be very plentiful in the amount of white trash vehicles. i was so moved that i thought that i would share. first on our lists of weirdness is this:

is it a motorcycle? is it a big wheels tricycle? i don't know. the "gentleman" riding this bastard child of a chopper and a red ryder seemed completely at home on it. dressed in jeans, a tee shirt so faded that it's original color was indiscernible, and a pirate do-rag, he oozed with the self confidence of a lonely model builder that has finally devised a way to ride one of his creations. unfortunately you can't tell from this picture but the wheels have the self spinning rims. next on our cavalcade of curiosities is this little gem:

this is the sight that greeted me on sunday morning on my way to breakfast at crackle barrel with The Boy. i had to stop and look at this train wreck. please take the time to notice the bumper that is falling off. also, for your viewing pleasure, the moth eaten curtains of the dead. these funeral shrouds are of a 1970's paisley shaggin-waggon print and are ripped, torn and full of holes. it looks almost like a zombie completely shredded the curtains on this hearse from hell in it's attempt to escape. personally, i like the giant patches of rust speckling the body paint, like open leprous sores. but wait, that's not all... this little beauty was parked next to us at the petsmart.

the eye is naturally drawn to the writing on the windshield that states: "Bad Gurl 4 Lyfe." but not to be missed is the steer horns mounted to the grill. unseen is the back window with a rebel flag tint and the hot pink awareness ribbon that reads "support bad girls". there were just too many items that needed addressing on this... this... horrifying example of white trash on tour. lets explore the highlights, shall we?

Ladies and gentleman... put your hands together for the antenna stripper. this brick house is stacked! with legs to kingdom come and tits you wanna box like suger ray leonard, she is the perfect traveling companion. always ready for a good time, this little lady will shake her money maker every time the wind blows. although her personality is rather plastic, she always up for a dance on your pole. but let's not forget the most important addition to any redneck truck...

there is nothing like genderizing one's vehicle. normally, the custom is to refer to a drivable object as "she". but this truck is all male. i was getting into my scrotumless truck and thought to myself, " if this truck is decorated with all this other crap, i bet it all balls too." and damn if i was right. in order to not take a pic of the tags, i didn't get the horse head hitch cover in the shot, but i think you are starting to get the gist of this trucks owner. speaking of the owner, she came out of her gym class and i quickly took this picture:

shit... i hope i'm that limber when i'm pushing 1,000. i also was able to get a lovely photo of what not to knit. fun fur is wonderful to use as an accessory and/or trim to a garment. but this... it's like she has a g-d tribble perched precariously atop her noggin.