Customer service can lick my lizard

so this comic from Toothpastefordinner.com pretty much sums up every customer that comes to my theatre. and may i add that the majority of folks that are our customers are freakin' snowbirds from up north, who's chilly dispositions match the weather they so quickly fled from. it's not that i don't like yankees, it's just that most of the are so damned confrontational and apparently everyone over the age of 65 all want something for nothing. listen... i'm sorry that you have a fixed income. but if you want to go to theatrical performances, why don't you plan ahead instead of bitching at me that the tickets are too expensive. the city that this theatre is located in is the mecca of retirees, and every single one of them thinks that they should get a senior discount. this theatre would never make any money if we did that, let me tell you. also, don't you yell at me just because the person you bought tickets for up and cancelled without any reason at all. i, the ticket selling person, has nothing to do with any of that. believe me, if it were up to me, that crappy show would go on as planned, 'cause i don't want to have to deal with you, son.

i think that customers sometimes are confused, frustrated, and or angry and just need to vent. that is were customer service reps step up to the plate. you see, most things can be fixed with a simple click of a mouse. and in a lot of cases, you customer service rep will do everything in their power to fix you problem. the catch is.... just be nice. it's a simple request; just be nice. i for one will go out of my way to help someone that is polite, gentle and well mannered in their treatment of me, but on the other side of that coin, i will go out of my way to make your experience a total living hell if you are rude, condescending or down right mean to me. it's that whole golden rule thing, treat others as you would have others treat you. and when you are red in the face from yelling, tears of frustration wetting your flushed cheek, throat sore from bull-headed arguing just keep in mind that i am silently laughing at you and will mock you as soon as you hang up the phone. it's not that i want to make anyone's life difficult, far from it, it is just that i don't think that you should treat people poorly just because you have a problem or that you don't know me. you wouldn't talk to your best friend in such a manner, what gives you the right to speak to me that way? just wondering.

another problem with customers is that they don't know what they want and nine times out of ten, want you to make their decisions for you. please, for the love of God's Green Goodness, please know what you want from me before i pick up the phone. i always sell the best seats available; you don't have to ask for them. and no. i will not choose your seats for you. your money is paying for your ass to sit in a seat, you choose. also... call after you are armed with the info that you will need. don't call me and waste my time trying to sell you tickets, setting them aside for you and explaining everything about the performance space just to have you tell me that you will call back after you talk to your friends. do you realize that i do other things besides help dementia candidates such as yourself. (well, not me, i don't do much besides surfing the gossip blogs) but i am sure that there are other people that do important things that you have interrupted.

there are times when i just want to throw myself off the seawall rather than deal with some customers. (again, most of whom are from New York) and the funny thing is, you can see it in their face as they walk through the door. it's something in the way the carry themselves. like that they are preparing for freaking battle. and again, most problems can be fixed with just the push of a button. so if you are nice, i will want to help you. just assume that i can help you and not that i am completely inept at my job. i did train to do my job. let's just pretend that i can.

some of the typical conversations with customers go a little like this:

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me (on the phone): so your tickets plus the service fee came to $150. how would you like to pay for that.

stupid customer (sc): with my credit card.

me: (internally) DUHHHHHH!

me: yes, what credit card?

sc: my chase

me: (internally) someone kill me

me: and what kind of credit card is that?

sc: oh, a mastercard.

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me: so i have 4 tickets on row 12 right in the center.

sc: are those good seats?

me: oh yes. those are perfect seats to see this show.

sc: do you have anything better?

me: actually, those are the closest seats i have to the stage.

sc: well, i don't know. would you sit there?

me: (internally) hell no! i wouldn't see that crappy show if you paid me!

me: oh yes. i would totally sit there.

sc: i just don't know. you choose for me.

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sc: i would like tickets for Mama Mia

me: i'm sorry. that is a sold out show.

sc: what do you mean it's sold out?

me: (internally) i mean that you sat on your ass too long and now you can't see the show

me: i mean that we are sold out.

sc: so i can't buy any tickets?

me: that's exactly what i mean.

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sc: i would like tickets for mama mia.

me: i'm sorry. that is a sold out show.

sc: but i didn't buy my tickets

me: (internally) so

me: i'm sorry

sc: so what am i going to do?

me: i don't know

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sc: i would like tickets for mama mia.

me: i'm sorry. that is a sold out show.

sc: so in other words, you don't have any tickets.

me: (internally) no those exact words

me: i guess so.