diets can lick my lizard

so i have started a new diet. i really hate diets. diets are the single greatest threat to american decency and all that is pure on God's green creation. with that being said, i have started a new diet.

i have always been... how to put this delicately... a chunky monkey? "big boned"? reubenesque? my weight has always been an issue. i remember being teased as a child on the playground. but kids are dicks at any age and i really (honestly) don't remember what was said. i just remember that it happened. (like, i remember getting a black eye from walking in front of the swings but the details are all pretty hazy) anyway, as i got older and went through the cursed "puppy stage", my weight problems didn't get any better. now, i distinctly remember being teased by certain family members about how i looked and other "well meaning " family members giving me their two cents on how i should look. (note to anyone that is in a family-- if you have someone that is chunky in your family, believe me, they know that they have a weight problem. you reminding them and offering "help" is counterproductive and you are only making things worse. so just keep you flapping lips shut. just thought that you should know) one specific person in my family teased me in order to help me. it didn't, it just gave me a complex. but after a while i grew into myself and actually became kinda hot. well, i had big tata's anyway. then i went to college. it wasn't until my sophomore year of college that i really started packing on the pounds. i wasn't as active and yadda yadda yadda, by the time i graduated i had gained some poundage. then i was married to a guy. he was a real gem. he would remind me about how much weight i had gained since he'd met me and that if i didn't loose it that he would seek out a women that looked the way he thought that i should look and have sex with her. i divorced his ass. now i am married to a man that is a bit like mark darcy from bridget jones' diary. he likes me just as i am. he married a chunky monkey and is content with that. (don't get me wrong. it's not like i have my own gravitational pull or have to have a fork lift just to get up from the couch, i am just chunky. that's all.)

so. i decided to get the figure that i left back at college. not because i am vain. not because anyone asked me too. i just think that i should take care of myself for Himself, just as he will take care of himself for me. that and i don't like most of the clothes from Hefty's Hideaway. they are either too expensive, too awkward, or fugly as ass-ola. that and i want to look cute when i get pregnant. not like some behemoth waddling through the food court at the mall. don't pretend like you haven't seen them. i want to look pregnant. not just fat in a weird way.

i have been on that alli diet. yeah. i know. you have to be careful or you'll get the runs from hell, but so far so good. i am eating what i am supposed to and in the portions that i'm supposed to and i am really sticking to it. let me just tell you though... i am hungry. i just ate, but i am hungry and all i want to do is a face plant into a big 'ole chocolate cake and eat my out. 'cause i LOOOVE chocolate. almost anything chocolate. so that will be my achilles' heel -- the mighty chocolate. so the battle is on. i hope i win.